Soul Ties

Finding Healing From Same-Sex Relationships

September 15, 2018 By Carol Whitaker Leave a Comment

In the novel The Color Purple, the main character Celie develops an intimate relationship with another woman, Shug Avery. Though she is a married woman, her husband abuses her, so she seeks respite in the arms of a kind friend who pays attention to her.

Though we might think this is the kind of scenario reserved for the pages of fiction, I believe this kind of situation is not uncommon. Though the details might not unfold in exactly the same way in every story, we may find ourselves more susceptible to finding love in a place we never thought we would in the wake of a rejection of some kind, abandonment, or other serious attack to our worth.

Certainly, same-sex relationships can happen because individuals have feelings for or an attraction to the same sex, but as The Color Purple illustrates, individuals who never struggled with a same-sex attraction can drift into same-sex relationships for emotional fulfillment and security, especially if those individuals are in a place of feeling unloved and insecure.

I would know — because this happened to me.

My Story of Same-Sex Relationships

When I was in high school, I had friendships with other girls that started off as regular friendships and then grew physical. This wasn’t a pre-meditated decision. I wasn’t struggling with same-sex attraction or unaware of what the Bible said about homosexuality. I grew up in a Christian home and knew the Bible’s stance on same-sex relationships.

But I was afraid of the opposite sex. I went through an awkward stage in middle school and early high school and was teased by a handful of my male peers. Sensitive and insecure, I internalized the criticism and determined something was wrong with me. I bought into the lie that no guy could ever like me. Even as I had interest from some males and friendships with males that developed into dating relationships, I secretly believed that they could not really care about me.

I needed an out for the pain I experienced when others rejected me and a place to boost my sagging sense of worth. I didn’t know how to place my identity in Christ or find in Him the love and acceptance I was missing. Therefore, these physical relationships evolved. I denied what was really happening and even thought that I was saving myself for marriage.

Even though this experimentation with the same sex ended before I graduated from high school, I carried a deep sense of shame for what I had participated in. I resolved that I would never tell anyone what I had done. I would keep my past sins a secret.

However, I didn’t know that stuffing down your sin doesn’t heal or liberate you. It places you in bondage. To get free, we have to do as the Bible says and choose to walk in the light (1 John 1:7-9). The Bible says that we are to confess our sins to others and bring out in the open what we are hiding (James 5:16). Although individual confession in our own prayer time is needed, we also find healing by sharing our sin struggles with others and asking others to pray for us.

Certainly, open confession isn’t advisable in every circumstance, and we shouldn’t run around and confess every thought and action. In addition, we should be wise about whom we confide in, as there are some who can’t handle the details of our story. However, we find a great release of guilt and shame when we choose to be transparent with others.

This could look different depending on our circumstance, but this might mean confessing to a fellow believer, pastor/church leader, or Christian counselor. This may mean telling others our testimony, as I am doing here. Whatever the case, God will lead us in the right way to go when we open ourselves to Him and choose to surrender over the dark parts of our life that need redemption.

Walking in the Light of God’s Freedom

Some time ago, I watched a documentary where siblings, abandoned by their mother, went on a search to find out their mother’s identity and the reasons for their abandonment. With the help of an agency, the agency found a relative in their mother’s family and set up a meeting to meet with her. The aunt, as she identified herself, gave details about their mother. Yet, after the initial meeting, when the agency pressed for further meetings and details, a truth immerged that no one expected: the “aunt” was actually the biological mother of the children. She was afraid to tell the truth because she didn’t want to inflict more pain on her adult children and identify herself as the one who had abandoned them. Yet, when the agency suspected the truth based on the details she gave, she finally caved.

Before her confession, her secrets were weighing on her so heavily she had been having heart problems, but when she chose to be honest about her shortcomings, the burden of guilt and shame she had carried lifted — and her heart problem began to improve.

I tell this story because confession is not easy. Those of us raised in the church may have the hardest time confessing sin because we know better, and it’s all too easy to play the perfect game by dressing up each Sunday and warning a pew, but no healing can come until we get honest with God and sometimes others, depending on the situation. Only then can healing come.

God Heals Us When We Turn to Him

If you are someone who has had same-sex experiences in your past, you don’t have to live in shame and condemnation. Maybe you have always felt different and have been attracted to the same sex. Or maybe, like me, you found yourself involved in a relationship with the same sex at a time in your life when you felt unloved or unworthy. Or maybe you are someone is attracted to both genders and consider yourself bisexual.

Whatever the case, when we veer outside of God’s plan for sex and relationships, our actions cause burdens of shame and guilt that we cannot remove on our own. God promises not to turn anyone away who comes to Him — and grants healing to those who call on Him and desire to walk in His ways.

If you have never accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior, you can do that now and ask Him to help you walk a new way. And, if you are a follower of Jesus Christ, you can approach Him with confidence as a beloved child of God. In either scenario, He is waiting with open arms.

Related Resources:

This is part of a 2-part series on same-sex relationships. Check out my first article in the series about what our approach should be as Christians to the topic. If you’d like to hear more details about my personal testimony, check out my podcast episode at the top of this post.

Feel a little confused about what it means to confess our sins to others and what the Bible says about confession? Check out this free resource detailing a few guidelines about confession (when to share and when not to) that I’ve learned on my journey.

Want to learn more about breaking free of sexual sin? Check out these following articles on severing unwanted soul ties: “Breaking Negative Soul Ties; Getting Rid of Emotional and Romantic Baggage” and “Breaking Unhealthy Soul Ties: How to Get Over Past Romantic Relationships.”

*Updated September 15, 2018.

Carol Whitaker

Carol Whitaker is a coach's wife, mom, writer, and singer. She left a career in teaching in 2011 to pursue a different path at God's prompting. While she thought that the path would lead straight to music ministry, God had different plans -- and Carol found herself in a crisis of spirituality and identity. Out of that place, Carol began writing about the lessons God was teaching her in her desert place and how God was teaching her what it meant to be healed from a painful past and find her identity in Him rather than a title, a relationship, a career, or a ministry. These days, Carol spends her time shuttling her little ones back and forth from school, supporting her coach-husband on the sidelines, and writing posts. Carol also continues to love music and hopes to pick up piano playing again. Carol is a self-proclaimed blog junkie and iced-coffee lover. She resides in Georgia with her husband and three children.

As Christians, How We Should View Homosexuality

September 7, 2018 By Carol Whitaker Leave a Comment

A few years ago, after the Supreme Court ruled same-sex marriage as constitutional, I frequently saw the phrase “Love Wins” on social media and other media outlets.

The meaning behind the words is that love between two individuals is the highest good that will always win out in the end. Such an ideology sounds good at the outset and one that a loving God would support, but what would the Bible say about the phrase?

A Biblical View of God’s Love

If we look at Scripture, we see a God who passionately loves His creation and was willing to send His Son Jesus in human form to die for us. Such an act made it possible for those who place their faith and trust in Jesus to live in eternal relationship with Him. We also see throughout the Bible a God who gives us desires and helps us to fulfill them.

However, while God loves us and is concerned with our personal desires and wants, He doesn’t always give us what we want. Instead, He gives us what is best for us, according to His will. This God who loves us and knows what is best for us set guidelines in place about how to do life and gave them to us in His Word — and this includes a plan for marriage and sexuality.

God’s Plan for Marriage and Sexuality

God designed both men and women with different biological anatomy to complement each other within the marriage relationship. God gave the gift of sex to be enjoyed within the marital union and the ability for man and woman to pro-create (Genesis 1:26-28; Genesis 2:24). Christian marriage displays God’s love and glory to the world — as husbands are called to love their wives as Christ loves the church, and wives are called to respect and submit to their husbands as the church is called to submit to Christ (Ephesians 5:22-33).

As both a wife and husband have different, unique attributes that each brings to a marriage relationship, children benefit from being raised in homes with both a mother and a father. Understandably, in our fallen world, not every child has a mother and a father within a home. If you are a single mother or father reading this, don’t lose heart! God can work within your situation and bring about the right role models of the opposite sex that your child needs.

However, I say what I do concerning children needing a mother and father in a home to make the point that society is impacted when we ignore God’s plan for family and sexuality outlined in Scripture. (For more on this, check out this series of articles on homosexuality from Focus on the Family.)

Certainly, as the Bible states, not everyone is called to marriage. However, individuals who never marry are called to lives of celibacy. This may sound like an incredibly oppressive and outdated plan for sexuality, but when we understand that God put boundaries in place in regards to our sexuality to protect us and live lives with the most fulfillment and purpose (Jeremiah 29:11; Psalm 16:6), we understand why it benefits us not only in terms of community, but individually, when we live according to what it says even when the way doesn’t feel easy or comfortable or desirable.

In 1 Corinthians 6:12, Paul answers some in the church who thought that it was acceptable to engage in sexual immorality: “ ‘I have the right to do anything,’ you say — but not everything is beneficial. ‘I have the right to do anything’ — but I will not be mastered by anything.” In other words, he says they may have the cultural or legal right to participate in sexual immorality. However, because they belong to Christ, they need to recognize that not everything that they are free to do is beneficial to them. And we can very much take away the same principle in regards to our culture.

The wisdom of the world tells us that what we desire will bring us freedom from bondage and will make us happy. However, allowing our desires, in the area of sexuality or any other area, to dictate our course leads to bondage and destruction (Matthew 7:13). Proverbs 14:12 (ESV) tells us, “There is way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way to death.” Similarly, Romans 6:23 says, “The wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

I read a piece just the other day written by a woman who grew up in the church but was attracted to the same sex, even as a child. As a 17-year-old, she announced she was a lesbian, immersed herself in the lifestyle, and left the church. But as an adult, she felt God speaking very clearly to her that she was on a course of destruction. She made the painful decision to break up with her girlfriend and pursue God and now is a Christian song-writer, speaker, and author.

As this young woman learned and the Bible tells us, submitting ourselves, even in the area of our sexuality, to His plan for relationships and marriage, is that which brings freedom. When we live according to our own whims only, we will find ourselves in chains, but when we living according to God’s way, we find freedom and life.

Matthew 11:28-30 tells us, “Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Though initially harder, taking Jesus’ yoke upon us and learning to walk life His way is that which brings blessing and peace into our lives — and this includes all areas of our lives, not just the area of our sexuality.

A Christian Approach to Homosexuality

This wasn’t an easy piece to write. It was, in fact, a little intimidating because I know so many of us in the church have approached this topic — myself included — in the wrong way.

But Scripture gives us the key to how we should approach this issue: As my pastor emphasized recently, Jesus lived a life of both grace and truth (John 1:14). He never compromised God’s standards, but He was also loving and compassionate.

I believe that is why we have such a difficult time with this topic: We either err on the side of truth and pound it into our loved ones and those we encounter in an attempt to live out and uphold the standards in the Bible or we err on the side of grace where we are so loving and accepting that we don’t speak the truth to those embracing a homosexual lifestyle.

Jesus lived out both truth and grace, perfectly. We will never be perfect this side of heaven, but with His help, we should attempt to emulate His approach. Ephesians 4:15 tells us that we are to speak the truth in love. I believe that many in the LGBT community are so turned off by Christians, they run when we come near because we speak the truth with no grace — but it is in choosing to engage with truth and grace that we can truly be the Christian influence we’re meant to be.

My Story of Experimentation With Same-Sex Relationships

In wrapping up, I want to tell you while this was uncomfortable for me to write about because I wanted to strike the right tone, I am not someone who is coming at this issue as a stranger to the topic. I am talking about this issue because, as a teenager, in order to cope with my feelings of low self-worth I experimented sexually and allowed some of my friendships with other girls to become physical. I carried the shame from my choices into adulthood and God healed me of the shame and guilt associated with the choices I had made as a teenager. (More on this in episode 2 of this series.)

But here’s the thing: In order for me to be free, I had to open myself to God’s truth. I knew as an adult that my conduct had been wrong and even knew while I was doing it. But I didn’t face the reasons for my choices until God prompted me. So, for me, facing the truth wasn’t just agreeing it was wrong because I already knew that. Facing the truth was allowing God to show me the root of my problems and allow Him to work on my tendency of turning to others for my sense of worth.

You may have a similar story as me or know someone else who does. Whatever the case, part of God loving us is that He reveals to us the truth about ourselves and this truth sets us free (John 8:32). While my behavior was tied to a desire for love and approval, other individuals may struggle for other reasons as I shared in the story of the young woman who announced she was a lesbian — and only God can reveal those.

It’s offensive to many that Christians would suggest that we need a way out of a homosexual lifestyle — but when we see that God tells us the truth about ourselves and our behavior so that we can be free, we begin to see that the solution to helping ourselves and others in a homosexual lifestyle or struggling with same-sex attraction is to open ourselves up to God’s healing and truth and help others do the same.

A God Who Loves Us Won’t Leave Us in Our Sin

It’s never easy to face certain truths about our lives, but Proverbs 27:6 tells us that “Wounds from a friend can be trusted.” In other words, sometimes people who love us have to tell us things that hurt in order to help us. And that is what God does. While our closest friends can see things we can’t, God is more than our close friend. He is our ultimate friend. He tells us the truth to rescue us. John 3:17 tells us that Jesus didn’t come to condemn the world, but rather, to save. God can show us the way out of homosexuality or any other harmful behavior we are involved in — if we let Him.

Friend, perhaps you are in a same-sex relationship or perhaps know someone who is. Whatever drew you to read this article today, you are not too far gone for God to save. All of us have sin in our lives. All of us have fallen short of the glory of God in more ways than one, but God’s desire is that we come and let Him make right what we cannot make right on our own and help us live in a way that benefits us and glorifies Him.

Related Resources:

For more on God’s design for sex and choosing to not allow our hearts to deceive us, check out the following resources from family counselor Amy Owen: “3 Scriptural Truths That Reveal God’s Plan for Sex” and “When the Heart Leads Us Astray.”

Are you currently in a same-sex relationship or struggling with a same-sex attraction and looking for a way out? Check out this further resource by Sue Bohlin, member of the Board of Directors for Living Hope Ministries, that details some helpful steps for recovery from same-sex attractions. Also, check out our next podcast episode about finding healing from same-sex relationships.

Carol Whitaker

Breaking Unhealthy Soul Ties: How to Get Over Past Romantic Relationships

June 29, 2017 By Carol Whitaker Leave a Comment

You enter into romantic dating relationships with the best of intentions and high hopes, but often, those relationships that you hoped would work out end, and you are left with feelings of regret, obsessive thoughts about the other person, and emotional baggage. In this age of serial dating, you can be married or in a dating relationship and still feel emotional ties to people from the past.

Is there a way to break soul ties from a past romantic relationship so that you can sever the thoughts and feelings holding you captive and fully embrace your current relationship or a relationship in the future?

The answer is yes. You can break free of unhealthy soul ties and get over past romantic relationships. However, to do so, you must understand what soul ties are and how they formed in the first place. God’s desire is for you to live free of emotional baggage and break negative ties with the past, but there are some steps you need to walk through in order to get free.

What are soul ties?

Soul ties are deep emotional connections with other people. Soul ties can form in friendships or romantic relationships. In fact, healthy soul ties are what God intended for us in friendships, family relationships, and the marriage relationship. The Bible doesn’t use the term “soul tie” but does speak of being connected on a soul level with others in a positive way — with friends, our spouse, family members and fellow believers (Ephesians 5:31; 1 Samuel 18:1). However, unhealthy soul ties can form in romantic relationships when you allow a person to rise to an unhealthy status in your life, or you are sexually involved with a person outside of the confines of marriage. (There are other reasons for unhealthy soul ties as well, but I will just focus on these two reasons in this article.)

God created sex for your enjoyment and pleasure, but He set sexual intimacy within the confines of marriage to protect you. When two people are physically intimate in a relationship outside of marriage, a deep soul connection is created that exists long after the relationship is over. Therefore, even if you try to move past a break-up with a person that you were physically intimate with, you won’t be able to without taking some key steps to sever the soul tie.

In addition, soul ties can form in romantic relationships even if a sexual relationship doesn’t occur. One way this can happen is by elevating a person to an unhealthy position in one’s life. Even as a Christ follower, another person can become a savior. Perhaps if you were lonely, you looked to another person to fulfill you in a way that only God can. When that relationship ends, even if the person didn’t treat you well or wasn’t right for you, you may still fantasize about getting back together with this person. Perhaps you have faced rejection in previous relationships so you latch onto a new relationship to help you feel good about yourself.

Whatever the case, here are a few steps you can take in order to be free of the emotional bondage an unhealthy romantic soul tie creates:

1. Repent and confess wrongdoing to God.

If you haven’t done so, confess your sexual sin or unhealthy obsession about a person to God and ask Him for forgiveness. Even if the relationship happened long ago, if you have never confessed to Him your sin, you can do so understanding that He grants full forgiveness for your wrongdoing the second you ask. If there are many people that you have been sexually involved with, go down the list and ask forgiveness for the wrongdoing in each relationship. If you have bitterness or unforgiveness, confess that to God and ask Him to help you forgive the other person. You may feel ashamed to go to God with your confession because you know that your actions departed from His Word. However, He already knows what you have done and repentance puts you in right relationship with Him and frees you of the guilt and shame you have been carrying.

Many people have a negative connotation of repentance, but repentance means simply to change one’s mind and go a different way. If you are currently involved in a relationship that has veered outside of the boundaries of God’s design, you can repent and go a new way by confessing your wrong and deciding to allow God’s Word and will to dictate your actions in that relationship. Confession means simply coming into agreement with God on the issue. So after you repent, allow God to help you draw boundaries so that you can be in alignment with His Word.

2. Turn to God.

After the process of repentance, continue to turn to God for healing and guidance. Severing romantic soul ties, even those forged a long time ago, can be a painful process. The reason that you most likely formed the soul tie to begin with was because the person or relationship provided something for you that you thought you needed. Even if you were not treated well in the relationship, breaking your soul connection with the person may be initially traumatic. You may have always hoped that you would get back together with that person. Or, perhaps if you are currently in a relationship that is unhealthy, you may not want to terminate the relationship because of the comfort and companionship the person provides.

Because of these reasons, you may go through a period of grieving for the relationship or not feel the effects of healing immediately after breaking the soul tie. You may feel empty and despondent. However, know that while breaking unhealthy soul ties in the short-term may be difficult, you will reach a place in the long-run where you feel lightened from your emotional baggage. In the process of healing, God needs to be the One you turn to in your pain. Otherwise, you will automatically turn to another person or thing to fill the void that you experience after your repentance.

3. Apologize for your wrongdoing to the other person.

Certainly, there are scenarios where you repent of an unhealthy soul tie and move on with your life. End of story. However, in some cases, there may be another component to the process of breaking free of negative soul ties. You might feel bitterness or anger against the other person for wrongdoing they have done to you or the way the relationship ended. In those cases, you need to apologize to the person for any wrongdoing you have done in your anger against them. The Holy Spirit will help identify the right course of action, but have you talked about the person maliciously behind their back? Have you hurled angry words in their direction? Have you retaliated in wrong ways in your place of hurt? If so, the Holy Spirit may prompt you to apologize to the individual for the wrongdoing.

In addition, another step I know was necessary in my own journey was to apologize to the other person for my part in the sexual sin. I know this is not going to be a popular step, and I have read many books and advice blogs on the subject that simply advocate confession (without apology to the other person for our part in the sexual sin). However, the Bible urges us not to be a temptation and stumbling block to another (Luke 17:1-4). If we tempt a person into sin or participate with them in sin (as we do when we are sexually involved with others outside of marriage), we should apologize to them for our wrongdoing in the matter.

Clearly, you need to use caution in this endeavor. I would advise keeping contact minimal and asking another person to keep you accountable in the process. A letter in most cases is most likely better than a meeting or phone call. You may have feelings re-ignited if you come into contact with an old flame, and it is advisable to simply state what needs to be stated and then no longer be in contact with the person.

I encourage you to pray about the right step for you in your circumstance. Obviously, certain scenarios exist where this step is not advisable, particularly in certain abusive relationships. If possible, seek out a Christian counselor or wise pastor to counsel you through your situation.

4. Let the past be in the past.

Sometimes, unhealthy soul ties can form with family members or friends for reasons not mentioned here (such as manipulation and control), and it’s possible to cut the unhealthy ties and set boundaries with the person and still maintain the relationship.

However, in terms of past romantic relationships, it’s best not to have contact with the other person once the unhealthy soul tie is broken. Continued meetings or contact with the other person will make it difficult for you to heal and move on. You may have to take some extreme measures such as discarding gifts or letters that the other person gave you, unfriending the person on Facebook, or requesting a transfer to another department. Sometimes the act of cutting an unhealthy soul tie in your life means making adjustments and setting boundaries so that you are not constantly reminded of the person.

You may feel like these acts are unloving, but truly, a past romantic interest that is interrupting your ability to be present with your spouse, fully engage in the relationships in your life at the moment, or grow in your relationship with God is not someone that you need in your life.

Conclusion:

Unhealthy soul ties in romantic relationships can form when we walk outside of God’s plan for relationships and sex or elevate a person to an unhealthy place in our lives. Thankfully we have a God who is in the process of restoration. Even if you have made many mistakes in your past and have a string of past relationships that are tying you down, there is freedom for you.

Unhealthy soul ties can be broken when we apply the remedy of repentance given to us in Scripture and take steps to turn from unhealthy relationships and find healing through Christ. `