Finding Healing From Same-Sex Relationships

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In the novel The Color Purple, the main character Celie develops an intimate relationship with another woman, Shug Avery. Though she is a married woman, her husband abuses her, so she seeks respite in the arms of a kind friend who pays attention to her.

Though we might think this is the kind of scenario reserved for the pages of fiction, I believe this kind of situation is not uncommon. Though the details might not unfold in exactly the same way in every story, we may find ourselves more susceptible to finding love in a place we never thought we would in the wake of a rejection of some kind, abandonment, or other serious attack to our worth.

Certainly, same-sex relationships can happen because individuals have feelings for or an attraction to the same sex, but as The Color Purple illustrates, individuals who never struggled with a same-sex attraction can drift into same-sex relationships for emotional fulfillment and security, especially if those individuals are in a place of feeling unloved and insecure.

I would know — because this happened to me.

My Story of Same-Sex Relationships

When I was in high school, I had friendships with other girls that started off as regular friendships and then grew physical. This wasn’t a pre-meditated decision. I wasn’t struggling with same-sex attraction or unaware of what the Bible said about homosexuality. I grew up in a Christian home and knew the Bible’s stance on same-sex relationships.

But I was afraid of the opposite sex. I went through an awkward stage in middle school and early high school and was teased by a handful of my male peers. Sensitive and insecure, I internalized the criticism and determined something was wrong with me. I bought into the lie that no guy could ever like me. Even as I had interest from some males and friendships with males that developed into dating relationships, I secretly believed that they could not really care about me.

I needed an out for the pain I experienced when others rejected me and a place to boost my sagging sense of worth. I didn’t know how to place my identity in Christ or find in Him the love and acceptance I was missing. Therefore, these physical relationships evolved. I denied what was really happening and even thought that I was saving myself for marriage.

Even though this experimentation with the same sex ended before I graduated from high school, I carried a deep sense of shame for what I had participated in. I resolved that I would never tell anyone what I had done. I would keep my past sins a secret.

However, I didn’t know that stuffing down your sin doesn’t heal or liberate you. It places you in bondage. To get free, we have to do as the Bible says and choose to walk in the light (1 John 1:7-9). The Bible says that we are to confess our sins to others and bring out in the open what we are hiding (James 5:16). Although individual confession in our own prayer time is needed, we also find healing by sharing our sin struggles with others and asking others to pray for us.

Certainly, open confession isn’t advisable in every circumstance, and we shouldn’t run around and confess every thought and action. In addition, we should be wise about whom we confide in, as there are some who can’t handle the details of our story. However, we find a great release of guilt and shame when we choose to be transparent with others.

This could look different depending on our circumstance, but this might mean confessing to a fellow believer, pastor/church leader, or Christian counselor. This may mean telling others our testimony, as I am doing here. Whatever the case, God will lead us in the right way to go when we open ourselves to Him and choose to surrender over the dark parts of our life that need redemption.

Walking in the Light of God’s Freedom

Some time ago, I watched a documentary where siblings, abandoned by their mother, went on a search to find out their mother’s identity and the reasons for their abandonment. With the help of an agency, the agency found a relative in their mother’s family and set up a meeting to meet with her. The aunt, as she identified herself, gave details about their mother. Yet, after the initial meeting, when the agency pressed for further meetings and details, a truth immerged that no one expected: the “aunt” was actually the biological mother of the children. She was afraid to tell the truth because she didn’t want to inflict more pain on her adult children and identify herself as the one who had abandoned them. Yet, when the agency suspected the truth based on the details she gave, she finally caved.

Before her confession, her secrets were weighing on her so heavily she had been having heart problems, but when she chose to be honest about her shortcomings, the burden of guilt and shame she had carried lifted — and her heart problem began to improve.

I tell this story because confession is not easy. Those of us raised in the church may have the hardest time confessing sin because we know better, and it’s all too easy to play the perfect game by dressing up each Sunday and warning a pew, but no healing can come until we get honest with God and sometimes others, depending on the situation. Only then can healing come.

God Heals Us When We Turn to Him

If you are someone who has had same-sex experiences in your past, you don’t have to live in shame and condemnation. Maybe you have always felt different and have been attracted to the same sex. Or maybe, like me, you found yourself involved in a relationship with the same sex at a time in your life when you felt unloved or unworthy. Or maybe you are someone is attracted to both genders and consider yourself bisexual.

Whatever the case, when we veer outside of God’s plan for sex and relationships, our actions cause burdens of shame and guilt that we cannot remove on our own. God promises not to turn anyone away who comes to Him — and grants healing to those who call on Him and desire to walk in His ways.

If you have never accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior, you can do that now and ask Him to help you walk a new way. And, if you are a follower of Jesus Christ, you can approach Him with confidence as a beloved child of God. In either scenario, He is waiting with open arms.

Related Resources:

This is part of a 2-part series on same-sex relationships. Check out my first article in the series about what our approach should be as Christians to the topic. If you’d like to hear more details about my personal testimony, check out my podcast episode at the top of this post.

Feel a little confused about what it means to confess our sins to others and what the Bible says about confession? Check out this free resource detailing a few guidelines about confession (when to share and when not to) that I’ve learned on my journey.

Want to learn more about breaking free of sexual sin? Check out these following articles on severing unwanted soul ties: “Breaking Negative Soul Ties; Getting Rid of Emotional and Romantic Baggage” and “Breaking Unhealthy Soul Ties: How to Get Over Past Romantic Relationships.”

*Updated September 15, 2018.

 

 

Carol Whitaker

Carol Whitaker is a coach's wife, mom, writer, and singer. She left a career in teaching in 2011 to pursue a different path at God's prompting. While she thought that the path would lead straight to music ministry, God had different plans -- and Carol found herself in a crisis of spirituality and identity. Out of that place, Carol began writing about the lessons God was teaching her in her desert place and how God was teaching her what it meant to be healed from a painful past and find her identity in Him rather than a title, a relationship, a career, or a ministry. These days, Carol spends her time shuttling her little ones back and forth from school, supporting her coach-husband on the sidelines, and writing posts. Carol also continues to love music and hopes to pick up piano playing again. Carol is a self-proclaimed blog junkie and iced-coffee lover. She resides in Georgia with her husband and three children.

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As Christians, How We Should View Homosexuality

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A few years ago, after the Supreme Court ruled same-sex marriage as constitutional, I frequently saw the phrase “Love Wins” on social media and other media outlets.

The meaning behind the words is that love between two individuals is the highest good that will always win out in the end. Such an ideology sounds good at the outset and one that a loving God would support, but what would the Bible say about the phrase?

A Biblical View of God’s Love

If we look at Scripture, we see a God who passionately loves His creation and was willing to send His Son Jesus in human form to die for us. Such an act made it possible for those who place their faith and trust in Jesus to live in eternal relationship with Him. We also see throughout the Bible a God who gives us desires and helps us to fulfill them.

However, while God loves us and is concerned with our personal desires and wants, He doesn’t always give us what we want. Instead, He gives us what is best for us, according to His will. This God who loves us and knows what is best for us set guidelines in place about how to do life and gave them to us in His Word — and this includes a plan for marriage and sexuality.

God’s Plan for Marriage and Sexuality

God designed both men and women with different biological anatomy to complement each other within the marriage relationship. God gave the gift of sex to be enjoyed within the marital union and the ability for man and woman to pro-create (Genesis 1:26-28; Genesis 2:24). Christian marriage displays God’s love and glory to the world — as husbands are called to love their wives as Christ loves the church, and wives are called to respect and submit to their husbands as the church is called to submit to Christ (Ephesians 5:22-33).

As both a wife and husband have different, unique attributes that each brings to a marriage relationship, children benefit from being raised in homes with both a mother and a father. Understandably, in our fallen world, not every child has a mother and a father within a home. If you are a single mother or father reading this, don’t lose heart! God can work within your situation and bring about the right role models of the opposite sex that your child needs.

However, I say what I do concerning children needing a mother and father in a home to make the point that society is impacted when we ignore God’s plan for family and sexuality outlined in Scripture. (For more on this, check out this series of articles on homosexuality from Focus on the Family.)

Certainly, as the Bible states, not everyone is called to marriage. However, individuals who never marry are called to lives of celibacy. This may sound like an incredibly oppressive and outdated plan for sexuality, but when we understand that God put boundaries in place in regards to our sexuality to protect us and live lives with the most fulfillment and purpose (Jeremiah 29:11; Psalm 16:6), we understand why it benefits us not only in terms of community, but individually, when we live according to what it says even when the way doesn’t feel easy or comfortable or desirable.

In 1 Corinthians 6:12, Paul answers some in the church who thought that it was acceptable to engage in sexual immorality: “ ‘I have the right to do anything,’ you say — but not everything is beneficial. ‘I have the right to do anything’ — but I will not be mastered by anything.” In other words, he says they may have the cultural or legal right to participate in sexual immorality. However, because they belong to Christ, they need to recognize that not everything that they are free to do is beneficial to them. And we can very much take away the same principle in regards to our culture.

The wisdom of the world tells us that what we desire will bring us freedom from bondage and will make us happy. However, allowing our desires, in the area of sexuality or any other area, to dictate our course leads to bondage and destruction (Matthew 7:13). Proverbs 14:12 (ESV) tells us, “There is way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way to death.” Similarly, Romans 6:23 says, “The wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

I read a piece just the other day written by a woman who grew up in the church but was attracted to the same sex, even as a child. As a 17-year-old, she announced she was a lesbian, immersed herself in the lifestyle, and left the church. But as an adult, she felt God speaking very clearly to her that she was on a course of destruction. She made the painful decision to break up with her girlfriend and pursue God and now is a Christian song-writer, speaker, and author.

As this young woman learned and the Bible tells us, submitting ourselves, even in the area of our sexuality, to His plan for relationships and marriage, is that which brings freedom. When we live according to our own whims only, we will find ourselves in chains, but when we living according to God’s way, we find freedom and life.

Matthew 11:28-30 tells us, “Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Though initially harder, taking Jesus’ yoke upon us and learning to walk life His way is that which brings blessing and peace into our lives — and this includes all areas of our lives, not just the area of our sexuality.

A Christian Approach to Homosexuality

This wasn’t an easy piece to write. It was, in fact, a little intimidating because I know so many of us in the church have approached this topic — myself included — in the wrong way.

But Scripture gives us the key to how we should approach this issue: As my pastor emphasized recently, Jesus lived a life of both grace and truth (John 1:14). He never compromised God’s standards, but He was also loving and compassionate.

I believe that is why we have such a difficult time with this topic: We either err on the side of truth and pound it into our loved ones and those we encounter in an attempt to live out and uphold the standards in the Bible or we err on the side of grace where we are so loving and accepting that we don’t speak the truth to those embracing a homosexual lifestyle.

Jesus lived out both truth and grace, perfectly. We will never be perfect this side of heaven, but with His help, we should attempt to emulate His approach. Ephesians 4:15 tells us that we are to speak the truth in love. I believe that many in the LGBT community are so turned off by Christians, they run when we come near because we speak the truth with no grace — but it is in choosing to engage with truth and grace that we can truly be the Christian influence we’re meant to be.

My Story of Experimentation With Same-Sex Relationships

In wrapping up, I want to tell you while this was uncomfortable for me to write about because I wanted to strike the right tone, I am not someone who is coming at this issue as a stranger to the topic. I am talking about this issue because, as a teenager, in order to cope with my feelings of low self-worth I experimented sexually and allowed some of my friendships with other girls to become physical. I carried the shame from my choices into adulthood and God healed me of the shame and guilt associated with the choices I had made as a teenager. (More on this in episode 2 of this series.)

But here’s the thing: In order for me to be free, I had to open myself to God’s truth. I knew as an adult that my conduct had been wrong and even knew while I was doing it. But I didn’t face the reasons for my choices until God prompted me. So, for me, facing the truth wasn’t just agreeing it was wrong because I already knew that. Facing the truth was allowing God to show me the root of my problems and allow Him to work on my tendency of turning to others for my sense of worth.

You may have a similar story as me or know someone else who does. Whatever the case, part of God loving us is that He reveals to us the truth about ourselves and this truth sets us free (John 8:32). While my behavior was tied to a desire for love and approval, other individuals may struggle for other reasons as I shared in the story of the young woman who announced she was a lesbian — and only God can reveal those.

It’s offensive to many that Christians would suggest that we need a way out of a homosexual lifestyle — but when we see that God tells us the truth about ourselves and our behavior so that we can be free, we begin to see that the solution to helping ourselves and others in a homosexual lifestyle or struggling with same-sex attraction is to open ourselves up to God’s healing and truth and help others do the same.

A God Who Loves Us Won’t Leave Us in Our Sin

It’s never easy to face certain truths about our lives, but Proverbs 27:6 tells us that “Wounds from a friend can be trusted.” In other words, sometimes people who love us have to tell us things that hurt in order to help us. And that is what God does. While our closest friends can see things we can’t, God is more than our close friend. He is our ultimate friend. He tells us the truth to rescue us. John 3:17 tells us that Jesus didn’t come to condemn the world, but rather, to save. God can show us the way out of homosexuality or any other harmful behavior we are involved in — if we let Him.

Friend, perhaps you are in a same-sex relationship or perhaps know someone who is. Whatever drew you to read this article today, you are not too far gone for God to save. All of us have sin in our lives. All of us have fallen short of the glory of God in more ways than one, but God’s desire is that we come and let Him make right what we cannot make right on our own and help us live in a way that benefits us and glorifies Him.

Related Resources:

For more on God’s design for sex and choosing to not allow our hearts to deceive us, check out the following resources from family counselor Amy Owen: “3 Scriptural Truths That Reveal God’s Plan for Sex” and “When the Heart Leads Us Astray.”

Are you currently in a same-sex relationship or struggling with a same-sex attraction and looking for a way out? Check out this further resource by Sue Bohlin, member of the Board of Directors for Living Hope Ministries, that details some helpful steps for recovery from same-sex attractions. Also, check out our next podcast episode about finding healing from same-sex relationships.

 

Carol Whitaker

Carol Whitaker is a coach's wife, mom, writer, and singer. She left a career in teaching in 2011 to pursue a different path at God's prompting. While she thought that the path would lead straight to music ministry, God had different plans -- and Carol found herself in a crisis of spirituality and identity. Out of that place, Carol began writing about the lessons God was teaching her in her desert place and how God was teaching her what it meant to be healed from a painful past and find her identity in Him rather than a title, a relationship, a career, or a ministry. These days, Carol spends her time shuttling her little ones back and forth from school, supporting her coach-husband on the sidelines, and writing posts. Carol also continues to love music and hopes to pick up piano playing again. Carol is a self-proclaimed blog junkie and iced-coffee lover. She resides in Georgia with her husband and three children.

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How Forgiveness Helped Bring Unity in My Marriage

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“Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, ‘Lord how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?’ Jesus answered, ‘I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times’ ” (Matthew 18:21, 22).

Years ago, when I married I thought I would have a match made in heaven. I was a divorcée at the time, so I came with an extensive list of do’s and don’ts that I thought led to success and failure in a marriage. I soon discovered that forgiveness was not on my list of do’s.

In the first year of our marriage, we walked hand-in-hand enjoying our new relationship, but then disagreements began to surface. I questioned if I had made a mistake in marrying again. Marriage was not looking so good, and I began to battle thoughts that I would fail again in this new marriage. When I prayed, I asked God to fix my husband to make him into the man I desired. I certainly didn’t understand Colossians 3:13, which says, “Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”

Even though I was a Christian when I married, I held onto wordly ideas about marriage and hadn’t learned to surrender to God’s plan for my marriage. Like Eve in the Garden of Eden, I believed that I could be independent and make my own choices, yet I didn’t realize that when I stepped away from the principles God had given me in His Word for making a marriage relationship work, such as forgiveness, those choices would only lead to strife.

Depending on God in the Marriage Relationship

When Adam and Eve were placed in the Garden of Eden, there were two trees in the middle of the garden: the tree of life and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. God warned them that they must eat only from the tree of life, but Satan came along and challenged God’s statement with a lie, “‘Can it really be that God has said, ‘You shall not eat from every tree of the garden?’ ” (Genesis 3:1)

God’s plan for them as individuals and in marriage was to stay attached to Him and depend on Him in their relationship. However, Satan tempted Eve with a different path — one in which she could do what she pleased. And we still face that temptation. What Eve didn’t know is that the choice she made would not be without consequences. She did eat the fruit of the knowledge of the tree of good and evil with her husband, and because of the choice, she and her husband were banished from the garden.

Humanity no longer lives in the Garden of Eden, but rather in a world full of sin because of Adam and Eve’s sin. However, God gave us a way to be restored and live how He originally intended us to live with one another. We have a tree of life in Jesus that we must choose daily. As the tree of life stood in the middle of the garden, so we must position Jesus — our “tree of life” in the center of our marriage, as He holds the knowledge of how we should do life within His Word.

In particular, as I mentioned, forgiveness, as well as some of the other commands in God’s Word, weren’t on my list of “do’s.” Yet, slowly, when I began to learn the importance of choosing not to “eat” from the wrong tree, but instead choose the tree of life in my marriage, I began to change my list of do’s — and forgiveness, as well as other biblical principles, became a priority. Doing so helped me change my perspective of my marriage and kept me connected to my spouse.

How I Learned to Forgive in My Marriage

In particular, in regards to forgiveness, I can recall a situation when I needed to ask for and receive forgiveness from God and my spouse. In this situation, I spent too much on an outfit for myself. Lured to purchase something that I knew was too expensive, I quietly put it in my closet, knowing I didn’t need it. My husband and I had agreed on our family budget, but instead of honoring our agreement, I spent more than I should have.

The day the bill arrived, my purchase was disclosed and my husband confronted me. I defended myself with words of justification, and he returned heated comments.

In my purchase of the item and attempts to justify my purchase, I broke the boundaries my husband and I had both agreed on for our finances. My husband was hurt because he trusted me to be faithful to the guidelines we had established. When he voiced his displeasure to me over my actions, I stormed off from the conversation, so filled with my justification of wrongdoing, that I refused to accept responsibility and admit my mistake.

I was restless all day after our argument. I knew I had to clean up my relationship by asking for forgiveness from my Heavenly Father in the marriage, and I needed to ask my husband to forgive me for my unkind words and reckless spending. It says in 2 Chronicles 7:14 (KJV): “ If my people who are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sins and heal their land.”

It was not an easy choice to go to God to confess, but when I asked God to forgive me, I discovered my anger was gone. I began to see how my behavior was wrong and my words were hurtful. After going to God, I knew I had to approach my husband and not just say the words “I am sorry,” but ask him to forgive me. I needed to be specific, telling him how I realized I had broken our agreement and tried to hide it, plus defended my actions with hurtful words.

Just as God was faithful to forgive me when I confessed my wrong, my husband was faithful to forgive me. But like Adam and Eve had to walk out steps of repentance and confession, I had to do the same. Adam and Eve initially tried to hide from God because they felt ashamed of their choices and even tried to fix the situation by covering themselves with fig leaves.

But God went after them and initiated the repentance process. He asked them what they had done not because He didn’t know, but so that they could confess openly and be healed. When they confessed their wrong, He made a way for them to be cleansed of their sin by making the first animal sacrifice (Genesis 3:21).

Now, on the other side of the cross, we no longer have to make sacrifices for sin as Adam and Eve did. We have Jesus, the ultimate sacrifice for sin. Jesus makes it possible for us to come to Him without sacrifices and be forgiven of our sin, but we still have to repent and confess when we wrong others (including our spouse) to make things right in our relationship with God and others (1 John 1:9; James 5:16).

Choosing to Put God at the Center of Our Marriage

Practicing forgiveness in marriage is not only that which brings healing and restoration to our relationship, our action is one that helps to put God at the center of our marriage because it glorifies God rather than ourselves. In our day-to-day living, our decisions and responses to life cannot be based on our desires, but on how we can glorify God in a situation. When I made the purchase, I made it out of my selfish desires, knowing I was going against our agreement. My spending decisions led me down the wrong path, which later erupted into fights filled with words and frustration that didn’t bring God glory in our home.

However, forgiveness restored the unity between us and helped us move past the incident. In our marriages, no matter the conflict, we have to seek God’s guidance on how to deal with it. Just like the first married couple post-Eden, we will have moments of marital bliss and we will have unhappy moments. But to have a match made in heaven, we have to understand and live out the principles God gives us in His Word for making relationships work — including confession of sin when we’re wrong and forgiveness of our spouse.

In choosing God’s way, we choose the tree of life, rather than our own way. Now that’s giving God the glory!

*This article was written in collaboration with Carol Whitaker.

Sheila Michael

Sheila Michael

Sheila is a retired elementary school principal and educator. She spent over thirty years in education and has a specialist degree in educational leadership. She is also a wife, mother of four grown children, and grandmother of 12 amazing kiddos. Sheila enjoys cooking and teaching her grandchildren how to cook. Family gatherings are essential to the Michael “herd,” as they gather to share life with each other. Residing in Georgia, Sheila calls herself a “Southern belle with a twist,” since her husband is from Iowa. Sheila’s personal journey with God has created in her a desire to write and share the “God moments” she has experienced in her life. She loves mentoring young women in their walk with Christ and encouraging families to serve and love the Lord and each other as they navigate through life’s challenges.

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How to Better Love Your Spouse

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I hesitate to compare marriage to football, but there are a multitude of meaningful parallels. Many people love the game because of the suspense. No two games are the same. No two marriages look the same either.

My husband and I often talk about how some couples love to attend every event together. Where one goes, you will see the other. That’s not us. He needs social time; I need quiet time. When he is social, I get my quiet time. I don’t resent the time he spends away from me, and he doesn’t resent me for not needing him every moment. However, in the beginning of our marriage, we did try to make our marriage look the way we thought others expected it to look. We were so busy trying not trying to be ourselves that we could not function as a whole. I don’t think I’ve ever seen the quarterback get up when they call the defense in. It isn’t his role. In football, it is called a “team” because each player fills a special role, just like a husband and a wife each fill a special role in their marriage.

One term I know from football (and I don’t know many) is a “turnover.” One team can have the ball in the opposing team’s territory, close to scoring, when the defense intercepts a pass. Or the offense fumbles the ball, and the momentum falters. Sometimes a team has a chance to win a tied game just by kicking the extra point, yet they still miss the field goal. Marriage, like football, can have turnovers.

Preventing Turnovers in Marriage

In my marriage, our first “turnover” happened quickly. We were married in December and had our first child the following October — unplanned. We hardly had time to get used to being married before we also had a baby to love. Then there were all the small things that presented themselves as obstacles, like his mom’s perfect cooking. How could I compete when my specialties were Ramen noodles and frozen pizza? And then there were his buddies — friends from high school, friends from college, softball friends, basketball friends (for the winter months when it was too cold to play softball), deer hunting friends, dove hunting friends, turkey hunting friends. Let me be fair by stating that some of these friends spanned multiple categories.

His multitude of friends meant that we were constantly invited to cookouts, weddings, and birthday parties. As I already mentioned, I like my quiet time. The problem was that I was in a new city and home, newly married, and rapidly gaining a lot of weight, not just from the baby. I felt discouraged and insecure and was overwhelmed by my new role as wife and all of the new demands on me. I wanted to be excited about all these social gatherings, but I wasn’t. I wanted to like deer meat as much as my husband and his friends, but I just couldn’t bring myself to put it in my mouth; I started gagging when I even thought about it.

For my own iniquities, it was probably much worse for my husband in our first year together, though you would have to ask my husband for details. The point is that, as soon as we found common ground on one issue, the more problems we had to work through. These didn’t even include the larger issues that presented themselves like money struggles, family dynamics, sickness, and death of loved ones.

Perhaps for you in your marriage, the threats look different. Turnovers can come at a marriage in many forms. Our phones, tablets, and computers can put a barrier between our connectedness to each other. Other people and obligations can be a barrier. However, the Bible tells us how to protect our unity and avoid “losing the ball” to the opposing team (the enemy). The strategy is simple: We love God first, then others as ourselves.

From Matthew 22:37 we read, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.” It’s one of my favorites to meditate on. Follow that one up with Matthew 22:39, “Love your neighbor as yourself,” and it gives a clear depiction that life focused on only on myself and my needs is not of the Lord. My ability to love my husband intentionally — who is much more than a neighbor to me — comes first from my love of the Lord. I can’t love him well when it is all about me. Honestly, I don’t even like myself on those days I don’t spend with the Lord, so I certainly can’t expect him to. However, this doesn’t mean that we don’t care for ourselves. As the verse suggests, it just means that we care for others (i.e. him) just as well.

From experience, I can tell you that when I do not begin my day with my Bible, my devotional, and my prayer journal, my husband is likely to pay the price. And that is because I begin those days focused on myself. Conversely, when my first moments of each day and my identity are grounded in the Lord, my actions and reactions to my spouse are more likely to come from God’s description of love — patient, kind, selfless, humble, forgiving, persevering (1 Corinthians 13:3-13).

One morning when I was spending time with the Lord, I recognized a yearning for unconditional love. I remember thinking of all the ways I wish I could receive it from my husband. Life would be so easy if this was a state we could actually reach as humans. I would never feel judged. I wouldn’t have to feel that I was under-performing. I get on these (really short-lived) binges where I feel like I am Wife-of-the-Year material at times, but the reality is that I probably wouldn’t even qualify for Wife-of-the-Moment.

God impressed upon me amid this daydream of unconditional love that this is what HE offers us. Of course! How could I have been so apathetic to His love? I can’t expect it from others, but I can expect it from God. In realizing this each day, I don’t need to get down when my husband can’t meet all my needs. Because God does. It’s freedom! Through accepting the love of my Savior, I am freer to love my God and my husband.

Furthermore, this same love given to me by God is offered to my husband and, with it, the same freedom. While I may be a secondary source of love and support for him, I am not personally responsible for meeting his every need. He must have his needs met by God. When we are both receiving God’s unconditional love, our strength and connectedness is much greater, not to mention our ability to defend against turnovers.

Marriage Is About Going Through Life Together

When issues interfere within the marriage, we play opposition. We actively protect and strategize to work out the issues. When outside interference initiates problems, we play defense by drawing our strength each day from God and His Word, protecting one another as naturally as our own instincts to protect ourselves. There’s a plan for dealing with the next turnover. The effort is made — holistically — for a purpose much higher than a single individual. Otherwise, a husband and a wife may grow apart from focusing on individual, selfish goals. Marriage should be played to win, and that means going through life together.

When we take on marriage this way, I can stomach a few more social gatherings than I am comfortable with. My annoying habit of gagging over deer meat won’t matter so much to my husband. I will be able to praise his mother’s cooking with him instead of feeling inadequate when my cooking doesn’t measure up. What do these things matter in a world that is — first and foremost — about God? Loving Him first fuels us with the love inside to persevere in marriage — so that we can in turn love each other. No one likes defeat, but can you imagine a football game where one team goes home at halftime simply because they were losing for moment?

There will be moments when you feel like you are losing, but we must see the game through to the finish. God hasn’t given up on us, so let’s not give up yet on our spouse.

Rebecca Lindsey

Rebecca Lindsey

After “retiring” from teaching in 2013, Rebecca is currently back at it as a high school Teacher on Assignment where she is able to help students identified as at-risk for not graduating on time. The in-between years, she worked as a therapist in private and public practice. Her interests are in helping others, hiking, kayaking, gardening, dancing, and reading. She loves exercise, nutrition, and natural healing. After completing her doctorate in organizational psychology, she plans to lead others to improve leadership, career, and personal life-skills and maybe even author a few works. In every role, she feels there is an opportunity to model the grace and redemption given to us by Jesus. Rebecca lives in Dallas, Georgia, with her husband and three boys (the middle child is a Weimeraner).

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Marital Intimacy: Practical Tips to Enhance Your Sex Life

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As this is the month of love, I wanted to take some time to give a few practical points of encouragement and advice, as well as resources, to the married readers out there.

This will be an overview of some of the most common issues that arise in couples’ sex lives. I hope to provide some practical tips and resources that may be beneficial. I also hope to normalize some of the very common struggles that arise. As one of my good friends would often say, “Two of the most healing words in the English language are, ‘Me too.’ ” Know you are not alone in any problem or struggle. Many have walked through it before you, and you have Emmanuel — God with us — by your side every step of the way. With that, let’s dive in!

Practical Advice to Improve Your Sex Life

1. Discuss what is pleasurable and appealing to both partners.

Talk about your sex life with one another! For some reason, we often think sex should just come naturally and we don’t need to communicate about it, but that is so untrue. We need to talk to our spouse about the things he does that arouse us or the things he does that are, well, not-so-arousing.

This conversation is best had after the heat of the moment where it can usually be received with more grace and less embarrassment or offense. Giving each other insight into your experience allows it to be more pleasurable for each of you. There is freedom in the marital bed to explore, learn, and have fun. That being said, 1 Corinthians 6:12 (CSB) states, “Everything is permissible for me — but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible for me — but I will not be mastered by anything.”

Freedom must always be balanced with self-control. To me, this means that if both couples cannot say “yes” with their whole heart, then it does not have a place in the marital bed. No sexual act should ever cause a spouse to feel used, less than, or hurt. The marriage is about a partnership, and we are called to love one another as Christ loves the Church. He loved us so much that He died for us. If we are forcing our spouse to do something they are uncomfortable with or do not feel peace about, we are placing our needs before theirs and possibly causing one another to sin.

2. Make intimacy the goal, not orgasm.

If there was one message I could share about sex, this is it. To me, this encompasses so much of God’s heart. While I believe He gave us orgasms as a complete gift (fun fact: they are completely unnecessary to reproduction and most living creatures do not have them), I do not believe God ever wanted them to be our focus. He knows our hearts so much better than us and created us to be in community.

While orgasm may help us to feel close to our spouse, the nearness does not last near as long as a deeper intimacy. This type of intimacy is fostered both inside and outside of the bedroom by mutual submission, service, quality time, and a foundation in the Lord. I encourage you to check your heart’s motivation as you engage sexually with your spouse. I so often find myself feeling like an encounter was a failure if one or both of us did not experience an orgasm, but that is such a deceptive way of viewing that interaction! I end up feeling more distant from my husband than close to him, which I believe is exactly where the enemy would like us to be.

Orgasms can be impacted by so many things — stress, hormones, and performance anxiety to name a few. This cannot be the standard by which we measure our sex lives. I believe God’s standard is intimacy, yada sex — truly knowing and connecting with our spouses. Seek pleasure with your spouse within that covering and make intimacy and honoring one another the ultimate goal.

3. Talk about frequency.

Again, talk about it! I cannot tell you how much this simple conversation changed my sex life with my husband. We too frequently put unrealistic expectations on ourselves or on our spouse that could be greatly changed by some clear communication. In every couple there is going to be what is called a desire discrepancy — essentially one spouse is going to want to have sex more often than the other. That is because we are uniquely created human beings, so we are rarely going to spontaneously desire one another at the exact same time (as much as the movies and TV shows would lead us to think otherwise).

It differs in each couple which partner has the higher desire. Both roles present their own unique blessings and challenges. The most important way we can avoid conflict and hurting one another as a result of this discrepancy is to communicate about it and lay out our hopes and expectations. Instead of assuming that you know what your partner wants, ask him!

I will never forget when I finally got up the courage to ask my husband what he desired and expected regarding the frequency of sex — it was so different that what I thought and lifted such a weight off my shoulders! I had been placing an expectation on myself that was unrealistic and constantly had me feeling like a failure. Discuss your desires and set achievable realistic goals. Keep in mind that these goals will likely change with seasons of life. Also, if you are the lower desire partner, begin to recognize receptive desire (saying “yes” to your higher desire partner’s initiation) as desire. Just because you may not be the initiator the majority of the time, does not mean you do not desire sex.

4. Don’t push through the pain.

Pain is a very common issue in sex. It is important that if you are experiencing ongoing pain during sex, you do not just try to push through it or accept it, but seek help, whether it be through reading resources that give tips for better understanding or seeking counseling from a Christian sex therapist. This is important because when we try to push through pain, we stop associating sex with intimacy and pleasure and start associating it with pain and disappointment. This then decreases our desire for sex, which can become more painful if we are less aroused.

For a practical tip, I greatly encourage you to use lubricant if you are experiencing pain during sex and see if that helps. Wet is a great one to try and PreSeed is a great option if you are trying to conceive. (Don’t lubricants just have the best names?) Keep in mind that some lubricants can make it more difficult to conceive, so do your research if that is your stage of life. If this does not help, please refer to some of the resources I will provide or seek counseling. There is victory for you in this — please do not give up!

5. Seek help if you are struggling with the aftereffects of sexual abuse.

It is heartbreaking to know how common this is. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (2006), statistics show that 1 in 3 girls will be abused and 1 in 6 boys. As I discussed in my first article, sex is an incredibly powerful act and the enemy will do all he can to use what God created for good to bring about pain and destruction. But we serve an even greater God who is faithful to redeem and heal. He says, “I will repay you for the years that the locusts have eaten” (Joel 2:25).

His testimony in you will be great. I encourage you to seek healing through discipleship, small groups, counseling, and Christian sex therapy. God often chooses to heal us through His people, and this is a journey that is so difficult to recover from alone. Press into the more He has for you, friend. He weeps over your pain and seeks to heal the hurting places. He will honor your bravery as you take courage and seek the healing He offers.

6. Make an effort to keep things fun!

I know this can sound so cliché, but it truly is a challenge for most of us married couples. We get into our routines and sex can often become an afterthought or just something we need to check off our weekly to-do list. It can become something we dread if there is no excitement or fun in it. Some ways to incorporate more fun into your sex life:

  • Be willing to try new positions or plan to be intimate in a different room of the house if possible.
  • Plan a vacation or a mini-weekend getaway. Make sure that where you go and what you do are things that are refreshing and relaxing to you as a couple so that you have the energy to invest in time making love. For most women, our bodies are very sensitive to stress, and it can shut down our sex drives when we are overwhelmed. (Now, how often are most women in modern-day America not stressed?) Taking time to re-connect and enjoy one another’s company will likely help your body get ready for intimacy and make you more attracted to your spouse as you connect more deeply with him.
  • Prepare yourself and allow the Lord to stir desire in you for your spouse. This is sometimes a strange concept to grasp because we often want to think that God is somehow separated from our sexuality, but as we have discussed in the past two posts, He is the One who created our sexuality and intended sex as the ultimate way to connect with one’s spouse — mind, body, and spirit. That being said, I believe God is very faithful to answer the prayers of a wife who longs to enjoy sex and please her husband. What a blessing it is to our spouses when we enjoy the intimate act with them! Invite God to stir up desire in you and to bless your sex lives. Also, practically prepare yourself. For women, this may mean making time to shave your legs that morning or having a cute pair of underwear on that make you feel attractive and sexy. I have become convinced that lingerie was invented as much for women as it was for men because it reminds us that we were created as sexual beings, which can often be a part of ourselves that goes unnoticed or is pushed back behind work schedules, children’s needs, meal planning, running errands — you name it. Spending this time to prepare and invest in your sex life can make a huge difference.
  • Set the atmosphere — that may mean dimming the lights, putting on clean sheets, lighting up that favorite candle. Anything that helps you relax and be present goes a long way.

Bless you, sweet friends! It has been a privilege to come alongside you for these past few weeks. I pray that God would continue to mold us and our relationships increasingly into His likeness as we seek to know Him more intimately and honor Him with our thoughts and actions. Thank you for taking the time to read (or listen!). May He continue to whisper sweet things to your hearts as you trust in Him.

Related Resources:

A few of the Christian resources Amy recommends to help you navigate issues related to purity, sex in marriage, struggles with homosexuality, sex abuse, etc., to aid you in whatever season of life or stage you find yourself in:

A Celebration of Sex, by Dr. Douglas E. Rosenau

A Celebration of Sex for Newlyweds, by Dr. Douglas E. Rosenau

When Two Become One: Enhancing Sexual Intimacy in Marriage, by Christopher and Rachel McCluskey

The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide to Survivors of Sexual Abuse, by Wendy Maltz

Passion and Purity: Learning to Bring Your Love Life Under God’s Control, by Elizabeth Elliot

A Celebration of Sex After 50, by Dr. Douglas E. Rosenau and Dr. Jim and Carolyn Childerston

Homosexuality and the Christian: A Guide for Parents, Pastors, and Friends, by Dr. Mark  A. Yarhouse

Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage, by Dr. Kevin Leman

Soul Virgins: Redefining Single Sexuality, by Dr. Douglas E. Rosenau and Michael Todd Wilson

If you need to find a certified Christian sex therapist in your area, check out the following link: http://abcst.sexualwholeness.com/abcst-therapists-list.

Amy Owen

Amy Owen

Amy Owen is a Jesus-follower, wife, doggy-mom, and counselor. She studied Child and Family Development at University of Georgia (Go Dawgs!) for her undergraduate and obtained a Master’s in Marriage and Family Therapy at Richmont Graduate University. While at Richmont, Amy had the privilege to study Christian Sex Therapy, which is one of her passions. Currently, Amy lives in South Georgia and works with youth and their families. Her previous counseling work includes private practice with teens and adults, as well as inpatient and residential settings with adults struggling with acute mental illness and addiction. In her free time, Amy is an avid fiction-reader and walker; in addition, she loves to make new friends.

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When the Heart Leads Us Astray

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One of the most popular phrases we tell others when trying to guide or encourage them is, “Follow your heart.” It seems harmless and altruistic enough — and I am quite sure it is often delivered with the best of intentions. But what does that mean exactly — and what are the implications to our sexuality?

Recently I read a chapter in When People Are Big and God is Small by Edward T. Welch that really convicted me about this topic. It is something I had been pondering for a little while as I wrestled with how to identify when we are following God’s guidance using spiritual discernment versus following our own wishes and believing that is what He would have us do. When I read this chapter, it felt like the author was speaking to my heart and I think I underlined almost every sentence. I would like to share some of this with you as I believe it is very pertinent to our culture today and has direct implications on our sexuality.

What the Bible Tells Us About Our Heart

Let’s start with the advice of “follow your heart.” Within that piece of advice is the assumption that the heart is ultimately pure and can lead us to the “right path.” Unfortunately, this is not the truth. In fact, Scripture tells us, “The heart is deceitful above all things” (Jeremiah 17:9, ESV). I have always struggled with this verse because as a Christian and a counselor, I want to look for the best in people and find their strengths. I want to believe that under even the most tough exterior is a softness and a pure heart. While I do believe that each person is touched by the fingerprint of God and has His unique giftings and qualities within them, I cannot forget that in Welch’s words, “If we fail to recognize the reality and depth of our sin problem, God will become less important, and people will become more important.”

In other words, if we begin to rely on ourselves to be our guides through life, then Jesus is not truly our Lord. He becomes smaller than ourselves. We turn from His Scripture and voice, putting more faith in our emotions and wishes. Welch then states, “If you exalt the individual and make emotions the path to truth, then whatever you feel most strongly will be considered both good and necessary for growth.” We are encouraged to go after what we want and the thought of discipline or patience is often ignored, or worse, viewed as oppressive.

You may be starting to see how I believe this concept of following one’s own heart can relate to our sexuality. As we have become a more self-centered culture, integrity, discipline, and service have lost standing in our minds as priorities. Discipline is often viewed as repressing our desires — some may even say “God-given desires.” Let’s take premarital sex for example. In His Word, God asks us to reserve the sexual relationship for within the confines of the marital covenant. Song of Solomon 8:4 (CSB) says, “Don’t stir up or awaken love until the appropriate time.” Our Heavenly Father urges us to practice delaying gratification because it will build character that will support our marriage and will ultimately lead to increased satisfaction. It is not to oppress us or test our loyalty.

Though our heart may wish to be intimate physically with the one we love, God has asked us to be patient and trust His wishes. Submitting to God’s will over our own is a practice that we will have to walk out daily in marriage as we struggle through financial issues, infertility, buying a house, job loss, illness, miscarriage, child-rearing, and so many other challenges. If we enter marriage following our hearts first rather than God’s will, we are often placing ourselves in a position that can result in serving self first, others second, and God last. His intention is the exact reverse. This example of waiting until marriage is just one way this concept can affect our sexuality, but can apply to masturbation, pressuring our spouse to try a sexual act that they do not feel peace about, pornography, and so much more. The heart can easily give way to lust if we follow it.

God’s Will Over Our Feelings and Desires

When feelings and desires become our highest authority, we can often find a way to justify any action and can start to become controlled by these desires, which are frequently labeled as “needs.” Welch states, “Whatever you think you need, you come to fear. If you ‘need’ love (to feel okay about yourself), you will soon be controlled by the one who dispenses love. You are also saying that without that person’s love, you will be spiritually handicapped, unable to give love to others.” If these words are challenging you, please know that I am right there with you! As a counselor, I am quite familiar with discussion of desires and needs. I think it is very healthy to discuss and communicate with your friends and spouse (and God!) what you wish for and desire. Psalm 37:4 says, “Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.” After reading Welch’s chapter, however, I am encouraged to look at this verse in a new light.

Previously, I always focused on the second part of the verse. Now I notice just how important that first piece is: “Take delight in the Lord . . .  and He will give you the desires of your heart.” If we take delight in something, let’s say new babies, we spend time adoring them and just being in their presence. We long to get to know their personalities and just genuinely derive joy from their existence. If we were to spend time with God like this, I cannot imagine how much He would change our hearts! The desires of our heart would be molded into His own as we were made increasingly into His likeness. I truly believe that as we seek Him, He even removes or weakens our desire to sin because our desire to glorify Him is so much stronger than our flesh.

In Welch’s words, “There will be some situations where we should say that Jesus does not intend to meet our needs, but that he intends to change our needs.” He will mold these desires and needs into His will for our lives. He will provide a community around us who pushes us towards a pursuit of purity and freedom in Him. He wishes to partner with us. Our emotions truly are a gift when surrendered to Him, but we cannot be ruled by them. If so, our hearts can lead us astray. And they will. All of us will sin and fall short at times as we put our desires above God’s call on our lives. But He is faithful to forgive if we will repent and come back to Him. Then, my friend, take delight in Him, for in His Presence is freedom and joy and healing!

Related Resources:

Amy is with us for the month of February to talk about intimacy and give us a biblical perspective on relationships and God’s will for us when it comes to love and sex. Check out her first article, “3 Scriptural Truths That Reveal God’s Plan for Sex,” in this 3-part series and corresponding podcast episode by clicking on the link here or one provided below her author bio.

Next week she will wrap up the series with a candid look at issues that often arise in sex in the married relationship.

 

Amy Owen

Amy Owen

Amy Owen is a Jesus-follower, wife, doggy-mom, and counselor. She studied Child and Family Development at University of Georgia (Go Dawgs!) for her undergraduate and obtained a Master’s in Marriage and Family Therapy at Richmont Graduate University. While at Richmont, Amy had the privilege to study Christian Sex Therapy, which is one of her passions. Currently, Amy lives in South Georgia and works with youth and their families. Her previous counseling work includes private practice with teens and adults, as well as inpatient and residential settings with adults struggling with acute mental illness and addiction. In her free time, Amy is an avid fiction-reader and walker; in addition, she loves to make new friends.

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3 Scriptural Truths That Reveal God’s Plan for Sex

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As I look around in culture today, the thought so often enters my mind, “Lord, where are you? How did we get here?” It seems that so much of our media is sex-crazed, almost to a point of worshiping it. Sex has become confused with the notion of love and intimacy. While it can certainly be an act that represents and expresses precisely those things, the way it is often portrayed in movies or shows is quite the opposite. It tends to be self-centered, greedy, and far more depictive of lust than love in the world. What are God’s thoughts on sex? What does His Word provide as our guidance on how we can align our thoughts, actions, and speech with His?

Coming into college, I had no idea what path I was going to choose for my life. On one hand, I had been introduced to Jesus and had been invited to a student ministry that I knew had been a large part of changing my sister’s life. On the other hand, I still struggled with a lot of insecurity, and my primary way of finding security in the past had been by seeking romantic relationships or friendships to give me a sense of value, so the partying side appealed to me greatly too. Through a series of events, I wound up attending a prayer and worship service with my sister, and God’s love touched me in a way that I had never experienced. I felt His conviction heavy upon my heart. As I repented of my sin, I felt His freedom and nearness like never before. I was sold and fell in love with Jesus and His people.

Shortly afterward, the student ministry advertised a new small group being offered that semester on God’s heart for sex. I was very intrigued because all I had ever been taught regarding what the Bible had to say about sex was that Christians were supposed to wait until marriage. Most Christians I knew would never dare talk to me about sex, so the idea that someone was inviting me to a group where we would openly talk about what the Bible had to say about sex was fascinating to me.

As I joined this group, God began to fill me with His passion for His creation of sex. I saw how He created boundaries around sex to protect us, not to deprive us. It was His perfect love for His children that created these laws, not His desire to test our obedience to Him. He knew what would be best for our hearts and spirits because He is the One who made us precisely as we are in the first place.

That being said, I would like to share with you a few of the Scriptures and truths that God revealed to me through this group. I pray that as you read His Word, God would ignite a fire in you to seek after and pray for His righteous sexuality to grow in us and in our nation.

What Scripture Teaches Us About Sexuality According to God’s Design:

1. Sex is innately pure.

The first commandment God gives to Adam and Eve as a couple is, “Be fruitful and multiply” (Genesis 1:28). The Lord saw that it was “not good for man that the man should be alone” and gave him a helper in Eve; similarly, he made it so a man and woman would leave their mother and father and become “one flesh” (Genesis 2:18, 24). God created sex and He made us to be incredibly relational beings. He is the one who formed our anatomy and chose for this to be the path through which He creates new human life.

How sweet that He chose to bring children from an act of love. Our sexuality was present before the Fall, so we can know that it was His intention from the beginning and was originally marked by complete purity. Now that we are living in the world after the Fall, however, this purity must be sought after with vigilance. In 2 Corinthians 6:18-20, Paul exhorts the Corinthians to “flee from sexual immorality” because it is a sin again one’s own body, which is a “temple of the Holy Spirit.”

2. Sex is powerful.

In Ephesians 5:31, 32 (ESV), the apostle Paul begins by citing Genesis 2:24 regarding marriage and explains he believes marriage is a metaphor of Jesus’ union with His Bride, the Church: “ ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.” No wonder it has such power! The act of sex not only has the potential to create life, but also the potential for the most intimate act of unity a couple can partake in, as it is an opportunity to connect physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Although we rarely do engage in this potential because of our own wounds and baggage, the potential remains there.

Just as in all things that God creates for good, the enemy will try to use them for destruction, so sex also holds the power for great harm as well. It is often used to abuse, shame, control, or exploit others. This is a heartbreaking reality that must be addressed as it is often the source of many women’s pain and skepticism in approaching sexuality — and rightfully so! But we know that God is a miracle-worker and whatever the enemy intends for evil, He will use for our good. He offers healing in His Presence and the presence of His people. He is faithful to make any experience a testimony to His goodness and power.

3. Sex offers potential for intimate oneness.

The Hebrew word often used to describe sex in the Bible is “yada” which means “to know.” Any sexual act requires incredible vulnerability and openness. Our physical nakedness represents a full bearing and surrender of ourselves. And this is the first thing that Satan attacked. In Genesis 2:25 (ESV), prior to the Fall, Scripture tells us, “And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.” However, after Adam and Eve took of the fruit and ate, both of their eyes were opened. Therefore, they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loincloths in an attempt to hide their nakedness (Genesis 3:6, 7). Shame covered them and kept them from engaging in intimate relationship with the Lord and others.

It is so common for us to hide our sins, especially sexual sins, allowing them to grow in the darkness. Instead, we are urged to “cast off the works of darkness and put on the armor of light” (Romans 13:12, ESV) and to “walk in the light . . . [to] have fellowship with one another” (1 John 1:7). We are promised that, “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9, ESV).

In other words, shame holds us back from true healing and reconciliation with God and others! Our Lover urges us to come out of hiding. In Song of Solomon 2:14 (ESV) He cries, “Let Me see your face. Let Me hear your voice, for your voice is sweet, and your face is lovely.” This vulnerability takes a great deal of confidence and trust, which is why I believe God has gone to such great lengths to warn us of its potential for harm if used outside of His good purposes.

Conclusion:

This is just a beginning into what God’s Word has to say about His divine plan for sex and includes some of the highlights that I have learned on my own journey of studying this topic. As our nation continues to indulge in the world’s way of viewing sexuality, I believe God is calling us to be lights in the darkness to offer hope and healing to those who have been hurt, disappointed, or disillusioned by what the world teaches. In the words of Chris and Rachel McCluskey in their book When Two Become One: Enhancing Sexual Intimacy in Marriage, “The church must take back sex and claim the truth that it belongs to God and it is good — but only when practiced within His guidelines . . . Our union as husband and wife bears testimony in the heavenlies to the promised consummation of Jesus Christ and his bride, the church.”

Related Resources:

Like this article and want to read more from Amy? This article is the first in a 3-part series on love and sex. Check out Amy’s article next week about the deceptiveness of our heart and the following week for her tips on enhancing sex in the marriage relationship.

Don’t have time to read a post or prefer to listen to the points in podcast form? Check out the podcast episode above this article where Amy explains the major ideas and concepts discussed in her writing.

Amy Owen

Amy Owen

Amy Owen is a Jesus-follower, wife, doggy-mom, and counselor. She studied Child and Family Development at University of Georgia (Go Dawgs!) for her undergraduate and obtained a Master’s in Marriage and Family Therapy at Richmont Graduate University. While at Richmont, Amy had the privilege to study Christian Sex Therapy, which is one of her passions. Currently, Amy lives in South Georgia and works with youth and their families. Her previous counseling work includes private practice with teens and adults, as well as inpatient and residential settings with adults struggling with acute mental illness and addiction. In her free time, Amy is an avid fiction-reader and walker; in addition, she loves to make new friends.

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3 Things to Consider Before Entering Into a Dating Relationship

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I sat in the seat of the mini-van and watched my mom’s lips curl downward into a frown. She turned to me, “I think you need to be careful about how much of your heart you give away.”

I sulked in my seat, “I know what I’m doing.” In my head, a rebellious litany broke forth, Why does she have to be so strict. I am just fine! At 16, I didn’t think I needed her advice. I was pretty sure I knew everything I needed to know about myself and the object of my heart’s affection. However, years later, I would have to reflect back on that conversation and realize my mom was right.

I hadn’t been very careful about guarding my heart in a dating relationship, and I got burned. Just at the point when I thought our relationship would take off, he dropped me. It would take me years to get over the hurt and find healing. I should have heeded my mom’s advice and never entered into a relationship with him.

While we can’t always foresee how a relationship will turn out or protect ourselves from disappointment, we can be wise about whom we enter into a relationship with. Song of Songs 8:4 warns us not to “arouse or awaken love until it so desires.” In other words, we should be careful about allowing romantic feelings to be stirred in our heart.

As detailed later in the same passage, love is strong and “burns like a blazing fire, like a mighty flame” (Song of Songs 8:6). It is a wonderful connection God allows us to feel with someone else. Because the emotions are so strong, we need to be careful about opening our heart to just anyone.

We need to consider a few things before we enter into a dating relationship with him:

1. Our relationship with God.

While this may not sound like a logical place to start, we need to evaluate if we are in a good place with God at the moment. Are we regularly spending time with Him? Are we seeking His will for our life in prayer?

In order to have any hope of entering in to a godly union with another person, we need to focus on getting ourselves in a place where we are strong in our own relationship with the Lord. If we are solid in our spiritual walk, we will have better discernment about whom we should and should not date, and our priorities will be in the right place. If God isn’t the center of our life, we will be more likely to seek out someone to take that “savior” place and enter into an unhealthy relationship (where we are not consulting God about life or His will for our life).

2. His relationship with God.

The Bible talks about not being “unequally yoked” with another person (2 Corinthians 6:14, NKJV). In other words, we don’t want to choose someone who isn’t making God a priority. The reason for this is that no matter how handsome or charming or amazing this person is, we can’t foresee how this person will treat us years down the road. We may think he will change into a more spiritual person, but we can’t count on it.

A good way to know whether or not this person has a great relationship with the Lord is to not only observe his actions in various scenarios but to pay attention to what other people say about him. What kind of reputation does he have in the community? In his church? With mutual friends?

Once I went on a date with a good-looking guy in my college, He had just broken up with a previous girlfriend. He spent most of our first dinner date talking about her. Shortly after that date, a few of her friends urged me not to go out with him again. Apparently, his behavior toward his girlfriend had been less than desirable. We never went out again after that first date. He ended up moving away, but I felt uneasy because the things he said about himself didn’t match up with what people said about him.

Obviously, he had some baggage to work through, and he wasn’t a good candidate for a new relationship. When considering whether or not to enter into a relationship with someone, we should do our homework and find out a little about this person and what others say about him. Someone who has left behind a string of broken relationships or displayed a pattern of undesirable behavior is someone we need to stay away from.

3. Warning signs.

Perhaps some of you reading this struggle with people-pleasing. You struggle to say no and try to please those around you. In a dating relationship, you may make excuses for a person’s repeated bad behavior and disrespect of you because you don’t want the relationship to be over. You want to believe that it will get better, and you may struggle to assert yourself for fear that you will lose the relationship.

However, pay attention to the warning signs, that feeling in your gut that something isn’t right. Personally, as a young person I discovered that a guy’s actions say much more than his words. If he says great things in your presence and says he will call you, but then doesn’t, he isn’t really that committed to the relationship.

Years ago, a book called He’s Just Not That Into You came out. The author wrote it because he got fed up with the denial his female friends were living in. His main point in the book is this: If a guy is not calling and is evasive and doesn’t have time for you, He’s just not that into you!

Chasing after someone who doesn’t treat you well is never going to be a good scenario for you. While it may be painful to break if off initially, you will be happier in the long run. You will make space for a person who does treat you well to come along and practice setting boundaries that show you respect and value yourself and expect others to do the same.

Not too Late to Make Good Choices

If you are reading this and you know that you haven’t been wise in your dating relationships, it’s not too late to start. In addition, if you are feeling bad because not only have you chosen poor candidates to be involved with but have also veered outside the boundaries of God’s Word by getting too physical before marriage, know that there is no condemnation for you as a believer (Romans 8:1). You can repent and allow God to cleanse you and make a new beginning.

By making a conscious effort now to use wisdom in choosing a person to date, you will set yourself up for more peace and fulfillment down the road.

Related Resources:

If you need help breaking free of emotional connections from past unhealthy relationships, check out the articles on soul ties listed below the author box in the “Related articles” section beneath this post.

Also, if you struggle to form healthy relationships and allow others to love you because of low self-worth, these articles can help: Self-Worth: The Question Every Woman Asks, Self-Worth: How to Start Accepting Yourself, Self-Worth: How to Feel Better About Yourself, and 4 Reasons Why You Should Forgive Yourself.

*Updated February 15, 2018.

 

Carol Whitaker

Carol Whitaker is a coach's wife, mom, writer, and singer. She left a career in teaching in 2011 to pursue a different path at God's prompting. While she thought that the path would lead straight to music ministry, God had different plans -- and Carol found herself in a crisis of spirituality and identity. Out of that place, Carol began writing about the lessons God was teaching her in her desert place and how God was teaching her what it meant to be healed from a painful past and find her identity in Him rather than a title, a relationship, a career, or a ministry. These days, Carol spends her time shuttling her little ones back and forth from school, supporting her coach-husband on the sidelines, and writing posts. Carol also continues to love music and hopes to pick up piano playing again. Carol is a self-proclaimed blog junkie and iced-coffee lover. She resides in Georgia with her husband and three children.

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Breaking Unhealthy Soul Ties: How to Get Over Past Romantic Relationships

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You enter into romantic dating relationships with the best of intentions and high hopes, but often, those relationships that you hoped would work out end, and you are left with feelings of regret, obsessive thoughts about the other person, and emotional baggage. In this age of serial dating, you can be married or in a dating relationship and still feel emotional ties to people from the past.

Is there a way to break soul ties from a past romantic relationship so that you can sever the thoughts and feelings holding you captive and fully embrace your current relationship or a relationship in the future?

The answer is yes. You can break free of unhealthy soul ties and get over past romantic relationships. However, to do so, you must understand what soul ties are and how they formed in the first place. God’s desire is for you to live free of emotional baggage and break negative ties with the past, but there are some steps you need to walk through in order to get free.

What are soul ties?

Soul ties are deep emotional connections with other people. Soul ties can form in friendships or romantic relationships. In fact, healthy soul ties are what God intended for us in friendships, family relationships, and the marriage relationship. The Bible doesn’t use the term “soul tie” but does speak of being connected on a soul level with others in a positive way — with friends, our spouse, family members and fellow believers (Ephesians 5:31; 1 Samuel 18:1). However, unhealthy soul ties can form in romantic relationships when you allow a person to rise to an unhealthy status in your life, or you are sexually involved with a person outside of the confines of marriage. (There are other reasons for unhealthy soul ties as well, but I will just focus on these two reasons in this article.)

God created sex for your enjoyment and pleasure, but He set sexual intimacy within the confines of marriage to protect you. When two people are physically intimate in a relationship outside of marriage, a deep soul connection is created that exists long after the relationship is over. Therefore, even if you try to move past a break-up with a person that you were physically intimate with, you won’t be able to without taking some key steps to sever the soul tie.

In addition, soul ties can form in romantic relationships even if a sexual relationship doesn’t occur. One way this can happen is by elevating a person to an unhealthy position in one’s life. Even as a Christ follower, another person can become a savior. Perhaps if you were lonely, you looked to another person to fulfill you in a way that only God can. When that relationship ends, even if the person didn’t treat you well or wasn’t right for you, you may still fantasize about getting back together with this person. Perhaps you have faced rejection in previous relationships so you latch onto a new relationship to help you feel good about yourself.

Whatever the case, here are a few steps you can take in order to be free of the emotional bondage an unhealthy romantic soul tie creates:

1. Repent and confess wrongdoing to God.

If you haven’t done so, confess your sexual sin or unhealthy obsession about a person to God and ask Him for forgiveness. Even if the relationship happened long ago, if you have never confessed to Him your sin, you can do so understanding that He grants full forgiveness for your wrongdoing the second you ask. If there are many people that you have been sexually involved with, go down the list and ask forgiveness for the wrongdoing in each relationship. If you have bitterness or unforgiveness, confess that to God and ask Him to help you forgive the other person. You may feel ashamed to go to God with your confession because you know that your actions departed from His Word. However, He already knows what you have done and repentance puts you in right relationship with Him and frees you of the guilt and shame you have been carrying.

Many people have a negative connotation of repentance, but repentance means simply to change one’s mind and go a different way. If you are currently involved in a relationship that has veered outside of the boundaries of God’s design, you can repent and go a new way by confessing your wrong and deciding to allow God’s Word and will to dictate your actions in that relationship. Confession means simply coming into agreement with God on the issue. So after you repent, allow God to help you draw boundaries so that you can be in alignment with His Word.

2. Turn to God.

After the process of repentance, continue to turn to God for healing and guidance. Severing romantic soul ties, even those forged a long time ago, can be a painful process. The reason that you most likely formed the soul tie to begin with was because the person or relationship provided something for you that you thought you needed. Even if you were not treated well in the relationship, breaking your soul connection with the person may be initially traumatic. You may have always hoped that you would get back together with that person. Or, perhaps if you are currently in a relationship that is unhealthy, you may not want to terminate the relationship because of the comfort and companionship the person provides.

Because of these reasons, you may go through a period of grieving for the relationship or not feel the effects of healing immediately after breaking the soul tie. You may feel empty and despondent. However, know that while breaking unhealthy soul ties in the short-term may be difficult, you will reach a place in the long-run where you feel lightened from your emotional baggage. In the process of healing, God needs to be the One you turn to in your pain. Otherwise, you will automatically turn to another person or thing to fill the void that you experience after your repentance.

3. Apologize for your wrongdoing to the other person.

Certainly, there are scenarios where you repent of an unhealthy soul tie and move on with your life. End of story. However, in some cases, there may be another component to the process of breaking free of negative soul ties. You might feel bitterness or anger against the other person for wrongdoing they have done to you or the way the relationship ended. In those cases, you need to apologize to the person for any wrongdoing you have done in your anger against them. The Holy Spirit will help identify the right course of action, but have you talked about the person maliciously behind their back? Have you hurled angry words in their direction? Have you retaliated in wrong ways in your place of hurt? If so, the Holy Spirit may prompt you to apologize to the individual for the wrongdoing.

In addition, another step I know was necessary in my own journey was to apologize to the other person for my part in the sexual sin. I know this is not going to be a popular step, and I have read many books and advice blogs on the subject that simply advocate confession (without apology to the other person for our part in the sexual sin). However, the Bible urges us not to be a temptation and stumbling block to another (Luke 17:1-4). If we tempt a person into sin or participate with them in sin (as we do when we are sexually involved with others outside of marriage), we should apologize to them for our wrongdoing in the matter.

Clearly, you need to use caution in this endeavor. I would advise keeping contact minimal and asking another person to keep you accountable in the process. A letter in most cases is most likely better than a meeting or phone call. You may have feelings re-ignited if you come into contact with an old flame, and it is advisable to simply state what needs to be stated and then no longer be in contact with the person.

I encourage you to pray about the right step for you in your circumstance. Obviously, certain scenarios exist where this step is not advisable, particularly in certain abusive relationships. If possible, seek out a Christian counselor or wise pastor to counsel you through your situation.

4. Let the past be in the past.

Sometimes, unhealthy soul ties can form with family members or friends for reasons not mentioned here (such as manipulation and control), and it’s possible to cut the unhealthy ties and set boundaries with the person and still maintain the relationship.

However, in terms of past romantic relationships, it’s best not to have contact with the other person once the unhealthy soul tie is broken. Continued meetings or contact with the other person will make it difficult for you to heal and move on. You may have to take some extreme measures such as discarding gifts or letters that the other person gave you, unfriending the person on Facebook, or requesting a transfer to another department. Sometimes the act of cutting an unhealthy soul tie in your life means making adjustments and setting boundaries so that you are not constantly reminded of the person.

You may feel like these acts are unloving, but truly, a past romantic interest that is interrupting your ability to be present with your spouse, fully engage in the relationships in your life at the moment, or grow in your relationship with God is not someone that you need in your life.

Conclusion:

Unhealthy soul ties in romantic relationships can form when we walk outside of God’s plan for relationships and sex or elevate a person to an unhealthy place in our lives. Thankfully we have a God who is in the process of restoration. Even if you have made many mistakes in your past and have a string of past relationships that are tying you down, there is freedom for you.

Unhealthy soul ties can be broken when we apply the remedy of repentance given to us in Scripture and take steps to turn from unhealthy relationships and find healing through Christ.                                                                                                                      `

Carol Whitaker

Carol Whitaker is a coach's wife, mom, writer, and singer. She left a career in teaching in 2011 to pursue a different path at God's prompting. While she thought that the path would lead straight to music ministry, God had different plans -- and Carol found herself in a crisis of spirituality and identity. Out of that place, Carol began writing about the lessons God was teaching her in her desert place and how God was teaching her what it meant to be healed from a painful past and find her identity in Him rather than a title, a relationship, a career, or a ministry. These days, Carol spends her time shuttling her little ones back and forth from school, supporting her coach-husband on the sidelines, and writing posts. Carol also continues to love music and hopes to pick up piano playing again. Carol is a self-proclaimed blog junkie and iced-coffee lover. She resides in Georgia with her husband and three children.

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