Forgiveness

How Forgiveness Helped Bring Unity in My Marriage

June 23, 2018 By Sheila Michael Leave a Comment

“Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, ‘Lord how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?’ Jesus answered, ‘I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times’ ” (Matthew 18:21, 22).

Years ago, when I married I thought I would have a match made in heaven. I was a divorcée at the time, so I came with an extensive list of do’s and don’ts that I thought led to success and failure in a marriage. I soon discovered that forgiveness was not on my list of do’s.

In the first year of our marriage, we walked hand-in-hand enjoying our new relationship, but then disagreements began to surface. I questioned if I had made a mistake in marrying again. Marriage was not looking so good, and I began to battle thoughts that I would fail again in this new marriage. When I prayed, I asked God to fix my husband to make him into the man I desired. I certainly didn’t understand Colossians 3:13, which says, “Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”

Even though I was a Christian when I married, I held onto wordly ideas about marriage and hadn’t learned to surrender to God’s plan for my marriage. Like Eve in the Garden of Eden, I believed that I could be independent and make my own choices, yet I didn’t realize that when I stepped away from the principles God had given me in His Word for making a marriage relationship work, such as forgiveness, those choices would only lead to strife.

Depending on God in the Marriage Relationship

When Adam and Eve were placed in the Garden of Eden, there were two trees in the middle of the garden: the tree of life and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. God warned them that they must eat only from the tree of life, but Satan came along and challenged God’s statement with a lie, “‘Can it really be that God has said, ‘You shall not eat from every tree of the garden?’ ” (Genesis 3:1)

God’s plan for them as individuals and in marriage was to stay attached to Him and depend on Him in their relationship. However, Satan tempted Eve with a different path — one in which she could do what she pleased. And we still face that temptation. What Eve didn’t know is that the choice she made would not be without consequences. She did eat the fruit of the knowledge of the tree of good and evil with her husband, and because of the choice, she and her husband were banished from the garden.

Humanity no longer lives in the Garden of Eden, but rather in a world full of sin because of Adam and Eve’s sin. However, God gave us a way to be restored and live how He originally intended us to live with one another. We have a tree of life in Jesus that we must choose daily. As the tree of life stood in the middle of the garden, so we must position Jesus — our “tree of life” in the center of our marriage, as He holds the knowledge of how we should do life within His Word.

In particular, as I mentioned, forgiveness, as well as some of the other commands in God’s Word, weren’t on my list of “do’s.” Yet, slowly, when I began to learn the importance of choosing not to “eat” from the wrong tree, but instead choose the tree of life in my marriage, I began to change my list of do’s — and forgiveness, as well as other biblical principles, became a priority. Doing so helped me change my perspective of my marriage and kept me connected to my spouse.

How I Learned to Forgive in My Marriage

In particular, in regards to forgiveness, I can recall a situation when I needed to ask for and receive forgiveness from God and my spouse. In this situation, I spent too much on an outfit for myself. Lured to purchase something that I knew was too expensive, I quietly put it in my closet, knowing I didn’t need it. My husband and I had agreed on our family budget, but instead of honoring our agreement, I spent more than I should have.

The day the bill arrived, my purchase was disclosed and my husband confronted me. I defended myself with words of justification, and he returned heated comments.

In my purchase of the item and attempts to justify my purchase, I broke the boundaries my husband and I had both agreed on for our finances. My husband was hurt because he trusted me to be faithful to the guidelines we had established. When he voiced his displeasure to me over my actions, I stormed off from the conversation, so filled with my justification of wrongdoing, that I refused to accept responsibility and admit my mistake.

I was restless all day after our argument. I knew I had to clean up my relationship by asking for forgiveness from my Heavenly Father in the marriage, and I needed to ask my husband to forgive me for my unkind words and reckless spending. It says in 2 Chronicles 7:14 (KJV): “ If my people who are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sins and heal their land.”

It was not an easy choice to go to God to confess, but when I asked God to forgive me, I discovered my anger was gone. I began to see how my behavior was wrong and my words were hurtful. After going to God, I knew I had to approach my husband and not just say the words “I am sorry,” but ask him to forgive me. I needed to be specific, telling him how I realized I had broken our agreement and tried to hide it, plus defended my actions with hurtful words.

Just as God was faithful to forgive me when I confessed my wrong, my husband was faithful to forgive me. But like Adam and Eve had to walk out steps of repentance and confession, I had to do the same. Adam and Eve initially tried to hide from God because they felt ashamed of their choices and even tried to fix the situation by covering themselves with fig leaves.

But God went after them and initiated the repentance process. He asked them what they had done not because He didn’t know, but so that they could confess openly and be healed. When they confessed their wrong, He made a way for them to be cleansed of their sin by making the first animal sacrifice (Genesis 3:21).

Now, on the other side of the cross, we no longer have to make sacrifices for sin as Adam and Eve did. We have Jesus, the ultimate sacrifice for sin. Jesus makes it possible for us to come to Him without sacrifices and be forgiven of our sin, but we still have to repent and confess when we wrong others (including our spouse) to make things right in our relationship with God and others (1 John 1:9; James 5:16).

Choosing to Put God at the Center of Our Marriage

Practicing forgiveness in marriage is not only that which brings healing and restoration to our relationship, our action is one that helps to put God at the center of our marriage because it glorifies God rather than ourselves. In our day-to-day living, our decisions and responses to life cannot be based on our desires, but on how we can glorify God in a situation. When I made the purchase, I made it out of my selfish desires, knowing I was going against our agreement. My spending decisions led me down the wrong path, which later erupted into fights filled with words and frustration that didn’t bring God glory in our home.

However, forgiveness restored the unity between us and helped us move past the incident. In our marriages, no matter the conflict, we have to seek God’s guidance on how to deal with it. Just like the first married couple post-Eden, we will have moments of marital bliss and we will have unhappy moments. But to have a match made in heaven, we have to understand and live out the principles God gives us in His Word for making relationships work — including confession of sin when we’re wrong and forgiveness of our spouse.

In choosing God’s way, we choose the tree of life, rather than our own way. Now that’s giving God the glory!

*This article was written in collaboration with Carol Whitaker.

Sheila Michael

Sheila is a retired elementary school principal and educator. She spent over thirty years in education and has a specialist degree in educational leadership. She is also a wife, mother of four grown children, and grandmother of 12 amazing kiddos. Sheila enjoys cooking and teaching her grandchildren how to cook. Family gatherings are essential to the Michael “herd,” as they gather to share life with each other. Residing in Georgia, Sheila calls herself a “Southern belle with a twist,” since her husband is from Iowa. Sheila’s personal journey with God has created in her a desire to write and share the “God moments” she has experienced in her life. She loves mentoring young women in their walk with Christ and encouraging families to serve and love the Lord and each other as they navigate through life’s challenges.

Why It’s Hard to Forgive

June 13, 2018 By Carol Whitaker Leave a Comment

I love a good hero or heroine, don’t you? One of my favorite heroines of all time would have to be Elizabeth Bennet from Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice. She is relatable, completely human, yet smart and charismatic. While Elizabeth shares the spotlight with her sister Jane in the book, as the two have parallel romances, it is arguably Elizabeth who captures the hearts of readers.

However much we love heroines like Elizabeth in a story, though, the other characters (even if more minor) help bring interest to the story and are still crucial to its development. Much can be learned if we focus not only on the protagonist, but if we also shift our gaze to the less-mentioned characters in a story.

This is certainly true in the parable of the prodigal son. In the parable, most of us are most familiar with the youngest son. Although I am not sure we would call him a hero (at least at the beginning of the story), we can all relate to the rebellion of this presumptuous lad, the poor choices, the change of heart, and the return home. Even if we haven’t had a major “run” from God in our walk with Him, chances are we can all point to seasons where we strayed or were unfaithful and experienced His grace and forgiveness.

However, if we turn our focus for a moment not on the younger brother in the story but on the older brother, we can learn much from his reactions to his father’s lavish forgiveness of his younger brother. Rather than rejoice when his brother returned, the older brother grew angry and resentful. Notice the exchange between the father and the older brother in Luke 15:25-32:

Meanwhile the older son was in the field. When he came near the house, he heard music and dancing. So he called one of his servants and asked him what was going on. ‘Your brother has come,’ he replied, ‘and your father has killed the fattened calf because he has him back safe and sound.’

The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him. But he answered his father, ‘Look! All these years I’ve been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!’

‘My son,’ the father said, ‘you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’

2 Lessons About Forgiveness We Can Learn From the Older Brother

1. Forgiveness costs us.

Forgiveness doesn’t come easily for any of us. We find it difficult to forgive. Why? Forgiveness costs us. This is a parable, so the story is one Jesus made up to illustrate a point. However, let’s say for a moment the events actually transpired.

The older brother might have had to console his distraught father after the younger son left — repeatedly. Maybe the older brother had to take on added responsibilities after the younger son was of out of the picture. Perhaps the older brother had to continually answer pointed question from neighbors and friends about the antics of his irresponsible brother.

Therefore, when he came in from the field and saw that a celebration was taking place for this same brother that had caused so much hurt to the family, no wonder he couldn’t get past these memories and inconveniences caused by his brother’s sin.

And we’re the same way. Maybe a person’s continued sin in our lives is that which has caused us terrible pain and heartache. While I am not suggesting that we put up with abuse or condone wrong actions, we are asked to forgive those in our lives that hurt us and at times bear with their grievances — whether they are repentant or not.

Forgiveness doesn’t give them a free pass to mistreat us and it doesn’t mean that we don’t put up healthy boundaries at times to protect ourselves, but it does ask us to release into God’s hands our desire to have the person pay for the wrong done to us. It also requires us to override our gut impulses and bless someone who doesn’t deserve our blessing. And that, friends, is a tall order!

2. We may be self-righteous.

The other reason it’s tough to forgive is that like the older brother, we might be offended by the idea of a person who has hurt us receiving grace and forgiveness. I heard a pastor once say that we like to receive God’s grace — but want God’s judgment for others. How true those words are!

Having worked faithfully the entire time the brother was gone, the older brother could not believe his father was throwing a celebration for his younger brother. He pointed out that he had “slaved away” and yet had not even been given a goat to eat with his friends (v. 29). Yet, his brother — or “this son of yours,” as he labels him — was given a fattened calf after he had been out spending the father’s wealth on prostitutes (v. 30). The other brother is so angry here, he won’t even use the word “brother,” but instead uses the phrase “this son of yours.”

However, the father responds, saying, “My son, you are always with me, and everything I have is yours” (v. 31). In other words, the father points out that the older brother would have nothing if not for the generosity of the father. Because of the wealth of the father, both sons could receive — but it is clear by the older son’s reaction that he felt himself more deserving of the father’s lavish love because of his works. But the father corrected him and let him know that neither brother could benefit were it not for the father.

Similarly, we may feel that we are more deserving of our Father’s forgiveness than a disobedient brother or sister in Christ. But the story reminds us that we would all be destitute if not for the Father’s generosity to us. Our adoption as sons and daughters has nothing to do with our merit, but because of the love of our Heavenly Father (Eph. 2:8, 9). As the story illustrates, we can offer forgiveness to others because of what the Father has freely given us.

Conclusion:

Why did Jesus tell the story of the prodigal son? While we can view the story from the lens of forgiveness given by the father and received by a wayward son, we also see that the story is also about how we as believers must model the love of a Heavenly Father and forgive those who don’t deserve it. Rather than take on the pharisaical attitude of the older brother, we can remember our Father’s forgiveness of us in those moments when it’s tough to forgive an offender — and do the same.

As the Bible reminds us, even sinners treat their friends well, but it is our task as Christ-followers to show love and mercy not just to the people we like, but also those who we might consider our enemies (Luke 6:27-32). When we do, we release ourselves from resentment and bitterness. Though initially harder to do, forgiveness costs us less than unforgiveness in the end.

Related Resources:

With Father’s Day coming up, perhaps you are reminded of past issues you have had in your relationship with your father. Read about Jamie Wills’ story of forgiving her father.

Today’s post is part of a month long series on forgiveness. Check out last week’s article on forgiving from the heart, by Rachel Howard.

Carol Whitaker

Carol Whitaker is a coach's wife, mom, writer, and singer. She left a career in teaching in 2011 to pursue a different path at God's prompting. While she thought that the path would lead straight to music ministry, God had different plans -- and Carol found herself in a crisis of spirituality and identity. Out of that place, Carol began writing about the lessons God was teaching her in her desert place and how God was teaching her what it meant to be healed from a painful past and find her identity in Him rather than a title, a relationship, a career, or a ministry. These days, Carol spends her time shuttling her little ones back and forth from school, supporting her coach-husband on the sidelines, and writing posts. Carol also continues to love music and hopes to pick up piano playing again. Carol is a self-proclaimed blog junkie and iced-coffee lover. She resides in Georgia with her husband and three children.

How I Learned to Truly Forgive

June 9, 2018 By Rachel Howard Leave a Comment

Has God ever spoken to you in a dream? While some dreams have no meaning or make absolutely no sense — probably most of mine — I can recall a small handful of dreams in my lifetime that I felt were truly from God. I believe that one in particular was used to teach me about the importance of forgiveness.

The dream centered on an offense that had happened about four years prior. I will not share the details, but it was a big one. An offense that the world would say is unforgivable. Although many people would tell me that they completely understood why I would be hurt, as a Christian, I knew I couldn’t harbor bitterness in my heart. I needed to be like Jesus. I had had several conversations with one of the offenders and had prayed many prayers about forgiving everyone involved. In my mind, I was good. But this dream told me otherwise.

In my dream, I saw one of the people who had hurt me. When I saw them, I felt my face and chest get hot. I was overcome with rage and began running towards them, screaming. Obviously, I hadn’t forgiven this person. But then came the even stranger part. As I was screaming, I started punching MYSELF in the face. Blow after blow after blow.

“Whoa, what was that!?” I thought to myself as I woke up in a sweat. Then I felt the Lord speak to my spirit, “You haven’t forgiven them, and your unforgiveness is hurting only one person … YOU. Let it go. Put it under the blood of my Son. These are the kind of things He died for.”

Jesus died for all sin. His death and resurrection was for all the penalties of sin, for the offender and the offended. To set us free from our own sins, as well as from the hurt and pain the sin of others can cause us. His redemption is for both ends of the spectrum.

It’s no wonder then that in Matthew 18:21, 22 Jesus explains to Peter that there is no limit to forgiveness: “Then Peter came to Him and said, ‘Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times?’ Jesus said to him, ‘I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.’ ”

The world will tell us that only certain things are forgivable. If someone crosses over the line, then we are to write them off as a person and to ban them from our lives and our love. This is not what the Bible teaches us. Should we sometimes set up healthy boundaries to protect us, our families, and even those who wrong us? Absolutely. However, we are called to be like Christ and to allow His love, truth, and forgiveness to flow from our lives.

Through this journey of learning to apply genuine forgiveness in my own difficult situation, here are a few more specific things that I took away and now try to think about when an occasion may arise.

1. Forgiveness is a heart issue.

Through my dream, the Lord revealed to me that I was still hurting on the inside. In my situation, I had “forgiven” these people. I had prayed about it, and even told them that I forgave them. But there were still wounds I was holding onto inside that became evident in my dream. I realized that I needed to “forgive from the heart” (Matthew 18:35).

This means that I couldn’t just say I forgave these people with my words and allow wrong feelings to fester. In all honesty, in my attempt to forgive, instead of dealing with my pain and anger, I had been simply pushing down the angry thoughts, allowing them to sink down deeper. To forgive from the heart, I needed to choose to let go of my resentment and bitterness and turn these thoughts and feelings over to Jesus.

2. Forgiveness is often an ongoing process.

Even after we have chosen to fully forgive a person, one of the enemy’s schemes is to remind us of the wrongs that others have committed against us at a later time. He whispers in our ears, “Remember what they did to you? They haven’t changed. How can you love someone like that?” When these kinds of thoughts arise, we have the choice to either agree with him or to instead align ourselves with God’s Word.

We must take those thoughts captive each time they surface and remember that Jesus can redeem anyone. Forgiveness is often not simply a one time thing. We have to continue to forgive. In every instance that follows where wrong thoughts arise, we need to challenge these thoughts and replace them with truth so that we can continue to walk in forgiveness.

3. Forgiveness releases Christ’s power and glory.

Forgiveness does not only bring healing and a positive change in our lives. When we offer forgiveness to others, we invite them into the same love and grace that we have found in Christ ourselves. We invite those around us to change by becoming a display of His transforming grace in situations that would otherwise be a mess. When we bear with each other and forgive one another as the Lord has forgiven us (Colossians 3:13), we will stand out and bring other people to ask the question, “How could you forgive something like that?!”

In my own situation, when I truly gave my offense to Jesus, He set me free to live in His love again, and to reveal Him in a mighty way. Forgiving my friend genuinely from the heart enabled me to be filled with love and compassion for them. And this extension of God’s love brought about a change in our relationship. Shortly after, I also noticed a change in my friend. Within a few months, we found ourselves in a place of full restoration, hugging, crying, and praying together.

Only my Jesus could do that.

Not every relationship will necessarily end this way. Sometimes people may not even see that they have hurt us. Sometimes people may feel that they are justified in their actions. Regardless of the response or outcome, our call to forgive is the same.

Knowing this, whether the offense is big or small, let’s forgive those who hurt or wrong us and allow Christ’s forgiveness to change us all.

Rachel Howard

With a degree in music education, Rachel Howard is a middle grades chorus instructor who has a passion for teaching students about her love for music. In addition to inspiring adolescents in the public school system, Rachel is currently taking piano lessons and also enjoys photography, scrapbooking and Francine Rivers novels. A small-group leader at her church, Rachel also leads worship on occasion. In addition to these roles, Rachel is a wife and mom to two kids, Isaac and Evelyn. Rachel currently resides in Georgia with her husband and kids.

How We Get Trapped in a Cycle of Rejection

May 4, 2018 By Carol Whitaker Leave a Comment

Rejection is perhaps the deepest pain we can feel as humans. Years ago, before there were limitations on the kind of studies you do, they tested babies and the importance of human contact. In the study, one group of babies was fed and their basic needs attended to, but also held and nurtured. Another group of babies was fed and their basic needs attended to, but not held or nurtured with human touch. As the study continued, the group of babies that had the benefit of human touch thrived, whereas the babies that were deprived of human contact died.

Clearly, you can see why these types of studies are not allowed any longer! But the results of the study show us how our Creator intended for us to be loved and be in community with other people. When we feel rejected or unwanted by others, such rejection can have a serious impact on our physical and emotional health — and these impacts reach beyond the infant years.

In fact, if you take a look at the details of many of the high school shooters who have turned against their own classmates, you see a common theme: rejection. These individuals sought retaliation against others who had laughed at them or belittled them. So great was the sting of others’ rejection, they sought revenge with gunfire. The bizarre and violent retaliatory tactics utilized by those who have been rejected or feel unwanted aren’t limited to the high school shooting category. If you choose to investigate other crimes, you will see that in many cases, horrific acts of murder or harm against another person started with a rejection of some kind.

Clearly, then, its important that we take a look at rejection and how to react when we are rejected — because otherwise, we can fall into a cycle of unhealthy behavior that can have negative impacts on our physical or emotional well-being.

Individuals in the Bible Who Suffered Rejection

There is no better place we can turn to than the Bible for vivid examples of individuals who experienced rejection. Leah was someone who wasn’t wanted by her husband. In fact, her husband, Jacob, was tricked into marrying her by Leah’s own father. Jacob actually desired her sister and had been promised her sister, Rachel. So, after the wedding night when Jacob discovered that he hadn’t been given Rachel, but rather Leah, he demanded the sister that he had worked for. He did get Rachel as his second wife, but he never loved both of his wives equally.

Leah spent much of her marriage trying to earn the affections of her disinterested husband. In fact, she didn’t have much leverage in the relationship, so she clung to the one thing that would get her some measure of attention: she bore children. She birthed son after son in an attempt to win her husband’s heart, saying things like, “Surely my husband will love me now” (Genesis 29:32), and, “At last my husband will become attached to me” (Genesis 29:34). But her husband just loved her sister, Rachel, despite Leah’s attempts to gain his attention. At last, we see a reprieve in Leah’s striving when she says after the birth of her fourth son, “This time I will praise the Lord” (Genesis 29:35). Here, she looks to God as her Source, rather than her husband. However, her rivalry with her sister didn’t end, and she did continue to have more children in an effort to “out-do” her sister.

Similarly, we see in the story of Zacchaeus a man who was rejected by his community. His rejection was due to the fact that he was a tax collector and cheated those he collected from, getting rich from the extra profits. However, although it doesn’t tell us this expressly in the story, maybe Zacchaeus’ rejection started long before he became a tax collector. Maybe Zacchaeus always felt like the odd man out because he was so short. Maybe he relished his power over others in his role as tax collector and liked being able to tax those who had rejected him in the past. Or maybe, as advocated in a study I read on rejection, each time Zacchaeus cheated someone, he was rejected — and with each rejection, he took money from the individuals who rejected him. Again, this is just speculation, but it is possible.

What both of these individuals show us is that rejection is painful, but people who are rejected aren’t without sin of their own. In the case of Leah, she got caught in a cycle of approval-seeking and people-pleasing, as each time she had a child she presented the child to her husband with hope that he would love her. She finally broke that cycle when she began looking to God for approval. Similarly, although we’re not expressly told this, Zacchaeus’ rejection by the community may have been that which contributed or even started his pattern of cheating others.

Getting Caught in a Cycle of Rejection

As I mentioned in my last post, in Mike Riches’ book Living Free, he talks about the idea that often in our rejection, we give the enemy access in our lives because in our anger over the rejection, we turn to ungodly reactions or fleshly coping mechanisms to deal with our pain. As the Bible tells us, we are not to anger in our sin and give a foothold [topos] to Satan (Ephesians 4:26, 27). As Riches explains, when we allow our anger to fester over a rejection and don’t resolve it, we may allow that anger to cause us to react in wrong ways to our rejection. In doing so, we give territory to the enemy.

In our wrong responses to others, which might include lashing out in anger, gossiping, talking maliciously about the person, etc., we may open our lives to the enemy and then continue to give him space to operate by developing patterns of thinking and behavior that become strongholds in our lives. These strongholds serve as obstacles in our Christian walk and must be demolished in order for us to walk in freedom (2 Corinthians 10:4). Not only that, but our ungodly responses can help us get caught in a cycle of rejection. I am basing this term on what Riches calls an offense cycle, but basically what the cycle looks like is this:

We experience a rejection or hurt.
In our anger, we react in ungodly ways in our thoughts and actions.
By acting in wrong ways in our anger, we give topos to the enemy — a place of access for him to influence our thoughts and behavior.
Our ungodly behavior — whether it be bitterness, anger, resentment, negative thoughts about ourselves, etc. — causes more rejection.
When we are rejected again, we react again in ungodly ways in our thoughts and actions, and the cycle continues.

For those of us caught in such a cycle, we may wonder why we are constantly rejected and wonder what we can do to stop being rejected. However, as Riches says, most of us won’t be able to see the role we are playing in the rejection, and we’ll simply blame others for the rejections and take on a victim mentality. However, with the help of the Holy Spirit, if we are willing to come to Him and allow Him to pierce through our defense mechanisms and open ourselves up to His help and healing, we can break out of the cycle of rejection that we are caught in. That doesn’t mean we won’t ever be rejected again, but it does mean that we aren’t inviting those rejections with our own behavior, and we’ll be able to handle rejection in a healthy way when it comes around again.

I’ll be discussing the particulars of how to break out of a rejection cycle in my next post, but to touch on it briefly, we can begin to break out of the cycle when we forgive those who have hurt us in our past and ask forgiveness of those we’ve hurt. In addition, when new hurts and offenses come up, we refuse to retaliate or turn to fleshly coping mechanisms, but instead turn to God for healing and choose to forgive those who hurt us — and even bless and do good to our enemies. Luke 6:27 says: “But I say to you who hear, love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.”

I’m not saying that there is never a time that we don’t confront someone or call someone out on their behavior. We need the counsel of the Holy Spirit for that, but we do so in a manner worthy of our calling (Ephesians 4:1), and we do so in love (Ephesians 4:15). Blessing others and seeking not to retaliate against our enemies will help us avoid falling into a cycle of rejection. And, if we have already been caught in a cycle of rejection, we can find an out by choosing to take part in the steps of forgiveness I outlined above.

Living Lives Free of Offense

God wants us to live lives that are free (John 10:10). He does not want us to succumb to heavy chains of unforgiveness. The Bible tells us that “Satan prowls like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour” (1 Peter 5:8). We can resist his schemes by refusing to get trapped in a cycle of rejection and instead taking the biblical response to offense. Although harder initially, this refusal to retaliate against our enemies and insistence on blessing and forgiving them keeps our mind and bodies at peace, and out of torment and distress.

Related Resources:

Not only can we get caught in an unhealthy rejection cycle when rejected, we might also attempt to strive for others’ approval in an unhealthy way. Check out the following resources on giving over our relationships and stresses about our performance at work to God: “Learning to Depend on God” and “Spiritual Rest: Letting go of Trying so Hard in Our Work and Relationships.”

Want to hear more from co-host Suzy Lolley from the Beulah Girl Podcast? Check out her blog and Facebook page to read her work and connect with her.

Carol Whitaker

Seeking Forgiveness When You Unintentionally Hurt a Friend

May 13, 2016 By Rachel Howard Leave a Comment

One of my best friends and I were working out at the gym together this past summer. We are both teachers, so summertime is the perfect time catch up on things we aren’t able to do during the school year. As we were both on the elliptical one day, we found ourselves in a conversation about friendship, specifically, when friendship doesn’t seem to go right.

We discussed our friend wounds. The times when we expected someone to invite us to an event, to reach out and give us a call, or simply to show that they cared more. The times when those things didn’t happen and we were left hurt. Then I began to think of all the people I have missed the mark with as well. And it hit me. We all have unintentionally hurt other people.

As our conversation continued, one specific instance where I had made a previous mistake with my friend Lauren came to mind. She was one of my dearest friends in middle school and high school. I have always enjoyed her company and gentle spirit. We did cheerleading together and had many sleepovers. We have had a close sisters-in-Christ kind of relationship, and she even asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. It was such an honor!

And then life happened. She was enjoying time as a newlywed, and I was focused on college and my boyfriend. Our friendship sadly faded into the background.

My boyfriend proposed, and we began planning the details of our wedding. (OK, maybe I did more of the planning!) One of the big tasks was to create our guest list. My initial list was around 175 people. As we looked at our budget, we realized we needed to cut down the guest list to 130 people. I went through the list several times and reluctantly removed several people. You guessed it: Lauren was one of them. And it has haunted me ever since.

As I headed home that day from the gym after the conversation with my friend, Lauren was the first person I thought about. I was heavy with regret and began to pray. I felt that I needed to reach out and apologize to her. I had thought of doing this several times before, but for some reason couldn’t find the courage. Well, not this time. I decided I was going to contact her.

We still kept in touch mainly on Facebook, liking each other’s pictures and occasionally leaving comments, so I decided to write her a message there. I finally apologized to her for not inviting her to my wedding, and told her how thoughtless that was of me. Thankfully, she graciously said I had already been forgiven. I’m so glad God worked that out! Even though we may not see each other very often, she is still someone close to my heart, and I would never want to hurt her.

Whether it’s on purpose, or a mindless mistake, we all hurt each other sometimes. We are a fallen, broken people apart from God. We need Him. None of us is excluded in this. He alone is perfect love, and He knows the way for us to be in right relationship with each other. Therefore, it’s important that we give our relationships to Him, the broken ones and all. He will mend them as needed. Here are a few things we can do in order to surrender our relationships to Him.

1. Ask God to open our eyes.

Ask God to show you where you have sinned against someone, whether you meant to or not. Take time to examine your relationships according to His Word. Did you say something that you shouldn’t have? Or maybe something you did was taken the wrong way? Or maybe, like my story, you hurt someone out of ignorance? Instead of casting the blame on someone else or making excuses, search your own heart and actions. Open your eyes to what has happened.

If the hurt happened on both sides, don’t focus on their actions; focus on your own. Matthew 7:3-5 tells us, “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”

2. Take the first step and reach out.

Once your eyes have been opened to a relationship that needs healing, take the steps to reach out and make it right. Pick up the phone, write a letter (or Facebook message), or make plans to get together. Apologize from a sincere heart. Show the person that you care enough about the relationship to take a step of faith, even if it feels uncomfortable.

3. Trust God to bring healing.

Whether the restoration happens immediately or takes a while, trust God. Pray about it. Surrender the broken and the tainted things to Him. He is faithful, and His Word will not return void. He wants us to be in right relationship with each other, and “this is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us” (1 John 5:14).

I know there are other instances where I have wronged those around me. I’m praying that God helps me to do these three things as I continue to pursue needed healing. I fully believe that “God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them” (1 John 4:16).

Let that be me and you.

Rachel Howard

Why We Shouldn’t Let Rejection Define Us

April 22, 2016 By Suzy Lolley Leave a Comment

I was a classroom teacher in middle and high school for eleven years. A few years ago, I arrived early to my school’s faculty meeting. That was very unusual because while I enjoy being up in the morning, I’m usually not an on-time-in-the-morning kind of person. I was the very first one there, so I had my pick of a seat.

I sat down, and as people came in, I asked if they wanted to sit with me. The first group that I asked said, “I’m sure someone will sit with you.” Another pair of teachers came in, and I offered them seats as well. They replied that they were sitting with each other. Mind you, they could’ve sat with each other and with me. The seats all around me were literally wide open. I have not felt so rejected since probably middle school.

I texted my husband with tears in my eyes, careful not to let anyone see them. I told him the story, and he could not believe that I was dealing with adult mean girls. I have never been one to sit and have a public pity party, and so I went and sat down with another group of teachers in the front.

Is rejection a new thing? Is it just something women experience? The obvious answer is no. In Chapter 53, the prophet Isaiah said that Jesus was acquainted with our sorrows and that He was despised and rejected. He suffered the ultimate rejection when His own people that He came to save nailed Him to a cross. Then, beyond that, all his disciples, the ones He knew intimately and walked with and loved for three years, pretended they didn’t even know Him. Every single one ran away in His most desperate hour.

My story is of course a lot less dramatic than the story of our Savior being rejected. Besides the rejection story I shared here, I could tell you others from middle school or from adulthood, but they never would compare to what Jesus went through. But what I love about Jesus is that He doesn’t make us feel silly when our problems aren’t as big as His or as big as others’.

He simply cradles us and helps us overcome them. As I told my husband the other day, I feel like I’ve lost a lot of my resilience, the ability to bounce back from rejection, but I don’t think it has to be that way. Let’s discuss some ways that you and I can overcome the pain of rejection and help others who are hurting as well.

Three Ways to Bounce Back from Rejection

1. We have to remember that in most cases of rejection, it’s not us the person is rejecting.

In my new job as a technology trainer, it is highly likely that the people that I’m training didn’t want to be trained to begin with. They are teachers who are overloaded, stressed, and trying to placate whoever is making the current demands. They may take that frustration out on me, but it’s not me they’re rejecting, and I have no right to take it personally. As a matter of fact, if I do, I’m only hurting myself.

John Bevere would call that opportunity to be offended “taking the bait,” in his book, The Bait of Satan. I have to make the same choice not to engage in offense when I’m rejected as a Christian. It’s really the message of Jesus that is being rejected, not me. I have to love people, as Jesus told us in Matthew 5:44, even when they “despitefully use me.” Those are the people to keep on praying for the most, not hold a grudge against the most.

2. We have to realize that in most cases people don’t want to be the way they are.

They are rejecting us because they are rejecting themselves as well. If I lash out and I’m hateful to you, it’s usually because there’s something I don’t like in me. I will probably write more about this later, but when I was in college, I went through a major depression. I talked to my future husband Dusty in some ways that would have made any lesser man run in the opposite direction.

It wasn’t him I was angry at; it was myself, but because I kept repeating a sin cycle that caused my depression to persist, and felt powerless to escape, I “had” to vent somewhere, and he was the recipient of that venting. I know I’m not the only one who has exploded on others because of her own self-loathing.

Ladies, if you’re in that boat, there is hope. But while we’re getting that hope for ourselves, let’s extend it to others as well. They may be hurting and need someone who won’t run away, even when they behave badly and reject you.

3. It is inevitable that we will all continue to feel rejection, but we do have to be resilient.

If we are rejected and we hide from the possibility of being turned away, it will tempt us to build up walls that will prevent us from ever really loving people. We can’t love people if we won’t let them in, and we also can’t reject new people as a punishment for those who have rejected us in our pasts.

I love this Scripture: “Little children, let us stop just saying we love people; let us really love them, and show it by our actions.” These were the words of the disciple John, and he knew what it felt to love Jesus, God in the flesh, but he also knew what it was to be rejected and persecuted in the most intense ways for his faith. If John could be boiled in oil, alive, and then be exiled to a lonely island and still love the Lord, I think we can find it in ourselves to get out of rejection’s pit and love again.

The story of the faculty meeting will always stay with me. So will those times I was picked last in gym class (who lets kids pick teams anyway?) or the many times I’ve discipled people who later rejected the truth and turned the other way. But just because I remember those stories doesn’t mean I have to be haunted by them.

I can embrace the cross of Calvary, and in all my receiving of forgiveness, receive deliverance from the pain of rejection as well. Oh, and I can do my utmost never to make another woman feel the pain of rejection at my hands, because I know all too well how it feels.

Sweet Friend, are you feeling rejected? Have you been healed of rejection? The women on this site would love to hear from you and be encouraged or join you in prayer. Please leave a comment below or join us for a live Blab chat on rejection Monday, April 25, @ 9 or watch the replay.

Suzy Lolley

Suzy Lolley taught both middle school and high English for many years, and is currently an Instructional Technology Specialist for the public school system, a wife, and a workaholic. She loves nothing more than a clean, organized house, but her house is rarely that way. She enjoys being healthy but just can’t resist those mashed potatoes (with gravy) sometimes. When she cooks, she uses every dish in the house, and she adores a good tea party. She loves Jesus and is spending the next year documenting her journey to a less independent, more Jesus-dependent life on her blog.

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Breaking Negative Soul Ties: Getting Rid of Emotional and Romantic Baggage

November 12, 2015 By Carol Whitaker 6 Comments

My senior pastor once told a story of a third world country he knew of where families lived in and among mountainous piles of trash.

In preparing to write this post, I remembered his story as well as a mission trip I went on as a 16-year-old with my youth group. We went to Mexico City where we helped in a school and clinic on the outskirts of the city. I still remember crowding into vans and making the drive outside the city where pavement ended and rolling hills of dirt, trash, and cardboard boxes collided. Driving on the steep, muddy, pot-holed roads, I observed whole families living in slums.

These families did not appear particularly sad or disturbed. In fact, I wondered if they knew what it was like to have clean floors, running water, and plumbing. I wondered if they knew what they were missing.

When I first heard my senior pastor tell the story of the trash piles, he did so to illustrate the point that many of us in first world countries are living in garbage of our own. We may have sparkling kitchens, air conditioning, and indoor plumbing, but (sometimes unknowingly) we live in trash piles just the same.

Our trash piles exist in our own relationships and families.

I remember my insides churning during that particular service. I remember walking down with a trembling stomach and asking for prayer. My entire family had come out for a visit, and they watched me make that long, solitary walk from the balcony down to the altar. But I couldn’t do anything but walk away from my pew because of the tears I was sure they would see in my eyes.

Although I did feel some of the emotional burden lift from me that day at the altar, it was not until a few years later that I would receive a full healing from the emotional baggage in my past. Ironically, it was at a time when I wasn’t even thinking about getting healed or expecting it.

Since then, I have discovered that I had so much emotional baggage in my life because I had allowed myself to be connected to others with negative soul ties. When Jesus walked me through personal healing, He had me break the negative soul ties in my life and get free of the relationships I had never been able to let go of.

What is a Soul Tie?

A soul tie is a close emotional bond or a knitting together with another person’s spirit. According to the Great Bible Study site, the Bible does not use the term “soul tie” but does refer to being “knit together” with another person both in friendship and in marriage. A key example of a positive soul tie in the Bible is in the friendship of Jonathan and David. In 1 Samuel 18:1, it says that Jonathan became “one in spirit” with David and “loved him as himself.” Another time that the Bible speaks of a positive emotional tie with another person that exists on the soul level is in marriage. Ephesians 5:31 speaks of a “man leaving his father and mother” and becoming “one flesh” with his wife.

Negative soul ties are those that can form in many ways, but for the purposes of this article I will just be focusing on those that form through sex before marriage or through idolatry of a person. (Soul ties can also form through vows and commitments, rituals, accepting gifts from those involved in witchcraft, etc.)

Idolatry of a person means allowing a person to take almost a god-like status in your mind and constantly thinking of ways to meet his or her expectations — even if it means changing yourself or going against what you believe.

How I Formed Negative Soul Ties

I realize in looking back at my past that I did have some sexual sin, and I engaged in the idolatry of certain individuals. I had both friendships and romantic relationships where I idolized the other person and an unhealthy attachment formed, or I allowed myself to be idolized.

These relationships developed because of my own low self-esteem. I was constantly looking for love and validation from other people. I allowed relationships in my life to define me. I clung onto persons I felt elevated me by allowing me into their presence. I allowed myself to engage in both homosexual and heterosexual behavior because I wanted the acceptance and love. I made individuals in my life into Saviors.

And even when I tried to move on from these relationships, I still felt tied to certain persons. There was a brokenness on the inside that I couldn’t get rid of. Even after prayer and confession of my wrong in these relationships to God, I still felt defined by and connected to these unhealthy relationships.

Although He didn’t tell me what He was doing at first, Jesus had me go back to these friends and relationships and break negative emotional ties. Here’s how He had me break them: The first thing I did is talk with a Hope minister at my church about my past, sharing it for the first time. Then I went back to some of the individuals and apologized for my part in the sexual sin and told them what Jesus was doing in me.

I also apologized for any bitterness I had held against them for the bad way the relationship had ended or the ways I had felt they had let me down. I also was honest with the person if he or she had hurt me and spoke about that to the person for the first time. In some cases, I wrote a letter or sent an email. In other cases, I talked directly with the person.

I realize that not everyone may agree with my action of returning to these individuals. Certainly, not everyone agreed with this action when I was doing it. I was seeing a Hope minister at my church prior to my decision to make the contact with these individuals. When our sessions were coming to a close, I began to get a few people in mind that I needed to go back to. She assured me this was completely unnecessary, but I felt Jesus telling me to do it.

What It Felt Like to Break Free of My Negative Soul Ties

The process of making contacts to a handful of people from my past was the most excruciating one I have ever undertaken. I was alone. I had no support for my endeavor, and I underestimated the emotional toll it would have on me. What no one told me beforehand is that going back to the past dredges up old feelings. I felt, in many of those cases, not like a mature 35-year-old woman. I felt like a 14-year-old again. A 16-year-old. All of the fears and insecurities I had experienced in those moments so long ago raced back as I was doing it.

However, I felt Jesus nudging me on. How could He be so mean? So pushy? How could He make me relive all the awful again? I know why now. I had never handled those relationships properly during the time or ended them properly, so I had been left with a great amount of baggage. Soul ties to people I didn’t want to be tied to anymore. He wanted me to do it so that I could get free.

Additionally, I believe that God had me go to these individuals to not only break the emotional ties but also to help me overcome my shame over my wrong choices. I didn’t realize that by hiding what I had done from others, I was being held in bondage by shame and guilt. But as embarrassing as it was for me to talk with these individuals and share with others about my past — I ended up feeling really clean and peaceful inside afterwards.

What Does This Mean for You?

If you are reading this and you know you have a lot of baggage from your past, start with God. One thing I was amazed to discover is that He did not condemn me for my wrong choices — He helped me get past them. The condemnation I felt for a long time was actually coming from Satan. Facing the people in my past that had hurt me or I had given too much power to for far too long was very freeing.

Ask God to reveal to you where you might have negative soul ties with another person (either in your past or now) because of sexual sin or idolatry. If you haven’t already, I would ask God to forgive you for your part in sexual sin with the other person. Or, if there was not a sexual relationship but you know that the relationship was unhealthy for other reasons, ask God to forgive you for idolizing that person or putting that relationship above your relationship with Him.

Then ask God if there is another step you need to take. I would also highly recommend sitting down with a Christian counselor or a pastor versed in counseling. With that being said, go with what God is telling you above all else. Like I mentioned, I had a difference of opinion with my Hope minister about whether it was necessary to revisit the past.

I sought God very carefully on the issue over a several month period and received several confirmations about what He wanted me to do.

If you feel that God is nudging you to contact a person, but that person was a controller or abuser in the past, or you are concerned that a physical or emotional attraction remains, keep contact minimal — a letter. An email. And tell someone else what you are doing so he or she can hold you accountable. If the person or the person’s family can’t be reached, write a letter to the person to get the negative emotions out and then trust that God has healed you because of your step of faith.

God doesn’t intend for us to have sexual relationships outside of marriage or have negative soul ties with other people. He created boundaries to protect us. However, He doesn’t condemn you if you have made unwise choices. He wants to help you get healed.

However, just like He asked the crippled man at the pool at Bethesda, He wants to know: Do you want to be healed?

He wants to help, but there may be a step you have to take to receive that healing.

Author’s note: I wrote about soul ties in regards to consensual relationships, but soul ties can also form in sexually abusive, non-consensual relationships. If you were a victim of rape or sexual abuse, I would urge you to seek out the help of a Christian professional. You do not need to apologize for the wrong another person did to you. Your path to healing may look different than mine. I would also urge you not to be in contact with anyone who has physically harmed you — or put yourself in danger in any way.

If you are reading through this and feel that you may have negative soul ties in a friendship or relationship, please feel free to leave a comment below, and I will pray for you. If you would like to keep your name confidential, or have more questions about my experience, you are welcome to write to me through the Contact page, and I would love to help you on your journey to freedom.

Carol Whitaker

How God Helped Me Forgive My Father

May 1, 2015 By Jamie Wills 5 Comments

I grew up amidst domestic violence and drug abuse. My most prominent childhood memories are of my father’s violence toward my mother and, on a few occasions, toward me. Needless to say, my childhood was chaotic.

As you might expect, I harbored a great deal of anger against my father. In addition to being abusive, he was anything but affectionate. My father never said to me, “I love you.” Truly, I cannot recall a single tender moment between us.

Instead, I can only recall conversations like the one we had concerning what I planned to do upon graduating from high school:

Me: I need you to fill out some financial aid forms so I can apply to college.

Father: Why? They aren’t going to accept YOU.

Me: My guidance counselor says they will. My grades and test scores are good enough.

Father: You don’t have money to pay for it. They aren’t going to let you go for free. No one’s going to give YOU money.

Me: My guidance counselor says I can get financial assistance and scholarships, but we have to fill out these forms first.

Father: Come on, this isn’t going to work. Be real. You can’t do this. Get married, and start having kids. THAT is what YOU need to do.

Me:

After this particular conversation with my father, my anger toward him reached a new level; it was at an all-time high and possessed every fiber of my being.

I consoled myself with thoughts of revenge: I was going to college. I was going to get financial assistance. I was going to be successful. And when I achieved all this, I was going to take my bachelor’s degree and shove it in his face!

And then, I found Jesus. I found new life. I found forgiveness.

And as it says in Luke 12:48, “From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked.”

I knew I had to forgive my father.

I spent time in prayer and asked God to take my anger toward my father from me. I told God, “I forgive him, for everything.” I even prayed for God to reveal Himself to my dad in a mighty way. Surely that was evidence my grudges against him were gone. I had been obedient and forgiven my father of his transgressions!

However, the day I graduated from college, something happened that made me realize I had NOT truly forgiven my father for his abusive past.

As soon as I got my diploma in my hands, my first urge was to seek him out and wave it in his face, and so, that is what I did. Surprisingly, he had come to my graduation, so I didn’t have to go far to find him. Out of all the relatives that had come to see me that day, he was the first I approached. I walked haughtily up to him and announced my achievement while wielding my prized diploma in my hands. I got it as close to his face as I possibly could and proclaimed that I had done it despite him saying I never could.

His response? I saw tears in his eyes, a smile on his face, and he gave me a hug. He said, “Good job, Jamie Lynn.”

It was in that moment I knew I had not really forgiven my father.

In the days after my graduation, the Lord began to speak to me about what it means to truly forgive someone.

To truly forgive someone, you must let go of your anger.

After my graduation day outburst, I realized I was still holding onto a lot of anger toward my father. However, to completely forgive someone, you must let go of your anger.

Ponder this: God let go of His anger toward us. Charles Swindoll’s Insight for Living Ministries puts it like this: “At the cross, God poured out His judgment on His Son, satisfying His wrath and making it possible for Him to forgive us.”

Anger (wrath) has no place in forgiveness. After I had this epiphany, I sought out a way to relieve myself of the anger I was obviously still hanging on to. How was I ever going to “satisfy” my wrath and make forgiveness possible? This brought me to the next component of true forgiveness.

To forgive, accept that the other person is imperfect.

Consider the woman of adultery who was taken to Jesus in John 8. The Pharisees insisted that she be stoned in accordance with the law of Moses, but they asked Jesus what He thought should be done with the woman.

In response, Jesus says to the crowd, “He that is without sin among you, let him cast a stone at her.”

And as the Pharisees walked away one after the other, their anger tempered, Jesus turned to the woman and said, “Go, and sin no more.”

It took some time, but I have learned that to forgive, I must accept a stark reality: the person who sinned against me is not perfect and neither am I. This was clearly the message the Pharisees received that day from Jesus.

It is a message I had to receive from Jesus as well: I was wronged, but I, too, wrong others. We are all sinners in need of a Savior. The acceptance of this reality can temper our anger and make it easier to truly forgive the ones who wronged us.

Jesus saw Mary Magdalene that day. He saw her for everything she truly was, and despite the sin — perhaps, BECAUSE of that — He offered her forgiveness. You see, Jesus didn’t try to dismiss the claims that she had committed adultery or pretend like she wasn’t guilty of what she was accused of. What He did do was turn to the others and ask which of them was without sin — making the point that we should show mercy considering the mercy we’ve been shown. A point that enabled those in the crowd that day to walk away from their anger, leaving forgiveness in their wake.

My anger toward my father slowly dissipated as I came to accept him for who he is — a human with many flaws, with many personal demons, and with many sorrows. Not unlike myself, really. Upon accepting this, I felt I finally had the capacity to truly forgive my father. And although forgiveness does not mean you have to continue a relationship with the person who wronged you, my father and I stay in touch. Only the power of true forgiveness could heal such a broken relationship.

Are you wounded? Friend, let me share with you what I have learned: navigating the wounds of our pasts must begin with forgiveness of those who wounded us.

Jesus, our great physician, wants to help us heal, but to do so, we must obey the doctor’s orders. I can testify that although the medicine may be hard to swallow, the result is a peace that passes all understanding.

Jamie Wills

Jamie is a high school English teacher, wife and mom. She is a marathon runner and writes regularly in her spare time on miscarriage, running, spirituality and everyday life on her blog -- posting things that God shows her that she doesn't want to forget, or "forget-me-nots." Jamie holds a master's degree in education and sponsors speech and debate at the high school level. Jamie is the mother of three children -- two beautiful daughters, Beth and Hannah; as well as Angel, a baby she lost in August of 2010. She currently resides in Georgia with her family.

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How Helping Others Helped Me Get Over the Tragedy of Miscarriage

November 8, 2014 By Carol Whitaker 2 Comments

An ultrasound when you’re not pregnant has to be just about the saddest thing ever.

That was my thought as I walked into my doctor’s office a week after a devastating miscarriage. I was scheduled for a follow-up ultrasound to check to see if my surgery at the hospital the week before had successfully removed the remaining tissue.

I could visualize it now: my empty uterus blown up on the screen, its rounded walls encircling life no longer. No comforting blinking blip of a baby’s heartbeat — just a yawning expanse of gray fuzz where a fetus had been just a few weeks earlier.

To make matters worse, I was not feeling great. I had a racing heartbeat and low iron levels — walking from the car up to the office was an effort for me. I was feeling sorry for myself, and I was prepared for others to feel sorry for me too. I figured God had arranged a motherly ultrasound tech to do the ultrasound, perhaps a kind nurse to minister to me in my time of brokenness.

But God had other plans.

The ultrasound tech who found me in the waiting room was not the maternal tech I was hoping for — she was younger than me, thin. There was a vulnerability about her. Although she gave me instructions in a most professional way about what clothes to remove and where to position myself on the table, I felt a sensitivity immediately in my spirit, a prick.

We chatted pleasantly for a few minutes. As pleasant as a conversation about a lost baby can be. Yes, I did just lose my baby in the hospital one week ago. Yes, I was supposed to have my 12 week ultrasound today, but instead they changed it to my post-miscarriage ultrasound. No, this was not my first pregnancy. The conversation then took a rather innocent turn. I had mistakenly thought that my ultrasound was going to be after my doctor exam and had filled up on water. So, I commented on how excruciating it can be to have an ultrasound with a full bladder. She began to relate a story to me of an ultrasound she had had recently where she was in intense discomfort.

I assumed she had children and asked how many she had. She quickly explained that she had no children but had actually had an ultrasound to look at a cyst on her uterus that she had been having problems with for the past few years. The moment that she said “cyst” a word dropped into my brain, and I tried to shake it off, but it came again. Unforgiveness. She continued to talk and the word came again. Unforgiveness. It drowned out all other sounds and kept interrupting my thoughts like an incoming message chime in an email.

As much as I would like to say that I am a wonderful Christian and that I wanted to speak to this woman and tell her about my own past struggles with unforgiveness and the physical problems it caused me, I really didn’t. However, I also know that God gives me very specific words for people at extremely inconvenient times, and when I ignore his assignments I always regret it. Feeling a thin film of sweat develop on my brow, I made my way off the table and into the bathroom to get the rest of my clothes on. God, do you want me to tell her that her condition may be caused by unforgiveness in a relationship? I only heard silence and the efficient hum of the ultrasound tech’s movements on the other side of the door.

I already knew the answer.

In the least awkward way possible, I opened the door, smiled at the woman and said to her, “I am not a medical professional, and this may not even be for you, but when you were talking about cysts a moment ago, I got a word in my mind for you.” I then proceeded to tell her I was a Christian and how my decision to hold onto hatred for a friend after she had hurt me had caused a problem with bleeding.

The issue continued for over a month until I felt convicted about it and apologized to my friend. The very day I forgave her and sent her an apology the problem went away. I told the ultrasound tech that sometimes we just get physical problems (we live in a fallen world and experience illness as a result), but at times we get physical problems as a result of emotional or spiritual problems. I offered her my story and told her I did not want her to suffer, so she could weigh out if what I said applied to her.

The awkward thing for me in that moment was I could very well have been wrong. I could have imagined the words in my head and imagined that it had anything to do with her. I could have greatly offended her and made a stressful situation worse. Yet, Jesus was bold with people. He gave them actions to complete and didn’t mince words. He was compassionate, but he didn’t just stand around and lament the condition people were in. He healed them.

Truthfully, I wasn’t feeling very much like Jesus, but if He was indeed giving me these words for this woman — He was offering her a step to healing. And a step to Himself.

I was just a flawed woman in a doctor’s office after the loss of a pregnancy. A woman who could be wrong. A woman feeling dizzy and lightheaded and sad for my baby. But when I began talking, I felt such strength and power — as only Christ can provide, and I didn’t feel sad at all. My problems were so far removed from me at that moment. And I really felt that there was something sadder than an ultrasound when you aren’t pregnant: a person without the hope of Jesus Christ.

Even in my condition, I had a hope to lean the weight of my sadness on.

She didn’t say much in response, but I could tell by the look in her eyes that something had moved her. And because nothing else came to mind and she looked like she needed a moment to process everything, I gave her a hug and stepped away. I didn’t know what was going on her life or what was going on with her body — but God did. And all I could do was offer Him.

The lesson I learned in the ultrasound room is this: God wants to use me even when I feel that I am at my lowest and weakest point. He always has others on His mind, and while I mainly have myself on my mind — reaching out and ministering to others in my own broken state can heal not only the other person but can help to heal my own heart. As Shelene Bryan notes in Love, Skip, Jump, “It is in sacrificially loving others that God can use us and fulfill us in a way that nothing else can. By surrendering our plans and desires to Him we can be part of something He wants to do.”

Is there something right now that the Lord might be asking of you? Something that makes you a little scared, a little uncomfortable? You may have to push aside your own desires or even reach out in the midst of your own suffering; but I promise if you do, you may be able for a moment to forget your own sadness and feel the goodness of God in the midst of your pain.